Beautiful Life

Well, what can I say...life's good. Spring break starts tomorrow and what looked like another week of lonliness and self-pity has been miraculously turned around like I couldn't have even thought of. Wednesday night (I think) I was talking to Emily about spring break and how it was going to be really boring just sitting at home doing nothing and then out of Heaven itself she said, "i don't really know how you're going to react to this...but how would you feel about coming with us?" Is that even a question? HECK YEAH haha. So the Bis is going to South Carolina (around Charleston) with Emily, Kristin, Christine, and Emily's parents (who are supposedly really cool. Can't beat that. He truly knows what we need. Amen? I feel like dancing...almost. Tonight I went for a walk down to the lake and sat by the firepit and just talked with Him. There's nothing better on the face of this earth than that. I could feel His warmth all over (and it's pretty cold). But ya know what? It doesn't matter if anything will come of us, but just having God work in my life like this is all I really want. Seeing God work unrestrained is incredible. You really see how futile human effort is after you witness how God can turn dispair into joy and lonliness into happiness. Praise God. If only I could really show you how incredibly beautiful it is to be in love with Christ...words cannot describe it, Satan can't put it out, and I can't screw it up. I love you Father.

Why I Do What I Do

Unfortunately, I had time to ponder why I did what I did with Emily, and really with my whole life lately. There are serveral reasons I'm who I am, like...
-I didn't want to wait and see what would happen because of Jenni. I feel like it was my fault that she's pregnant and can't stop asking myself "If only I would have asked her out, none of this would've happened." Can inaction destroy a life? Yes.
-I wanted to prove to myself that I'm loyal. My father's adultery will haunt me till I die and I just want to make sure that I never never never ever become that evil man. I want to be truthful, loyal, respectable (not just apparently), pure and a good boyfriend. I want to be my grandfather, Paul Ragsdale. He knew my grandmother 2 months before he proposed and headed off to Africa soon after and never stopped loving her. I saw in his eyes when she died that a part of him went with her...I want that. I want something so precious and holy that when it's gone a part of myself leaves with it.
-I want to think that I don't have to settle for what I think is my "league". She's one of the most beautiful women I have yet to see and I prayed to God that I would have a chance. I know I'm not attractive at all. But I thought that everything else could make up for it, and we saw how that worked out.
-"It is not good for man to be lonely" as God would have it put. I feel like I've been without true human contact for years. I mean, I can remember every time someone made contact with me in highschool, and I can count it all on one hand. How sad is that? I want to feel alive. Christ can do that, but he also did make Eve, so there's got to be something He can't give me directly.
-I want to feel like someone cares. In highschool I used to make lists of who would be crying at my funeral (I was obviously extremely depressed, but I'm just making a point). Who have I impacted? Who would miss me? Who would lose a part of themself? This is my guage for how good a life I've lived. It may be morbid...but when I think of truly great people that have been in my life (Grandpa, Grandma, Ash, Megan, Aaron) they have endless lists of people that would have been impacted, who miss them or who would feel a part of themselves depart. Money, power, cars, fake friends, pirated movies, music...none of it will miss you, none of it will care. I dedicate my life to being Christ, to living by His Will and hopefully my list will fill out. For those without hope, remember that there is someone who looks down with a love that cannot be describe with mere words. There is hope. There is life. There is beauty. I have tasted Heaven and no other thing will ever quench my thirst.

God bless.

Don't Speak Too Fast

He listens. After pouring my heart out to God Friday night and feeling completely worthless all Saturday, I get an IM from Emily. At first I felt almost insulted. Why come down here and not even speak to me then invite me upstairs in less than a day? But I figured I needed the company and headed on upstairs only to find a completely abandoned room. So that was Kick-in-the-balls part 2. I came back down defeated but thought I'd leave her a note that I was there so I went back up, left the note, then decided to walk down the hall to see if anyone else was around. Right when I'm about to walk right off the floor I hear her say my name. We went back to her room and hung out for a little bit till I suggested Starbucks, so we went (and I had the best thing ever aka Strawberry Frap). After just chilling there for awhile, we went over to Walmart and the whole time I didn't feel depressed, in fact I was truly happy. God knew what I wanted so bad, someone to spend time with and not feel like I'm worthless. After going to Walmart we came back and she still wanted to hang out so we watched a couple Nooma vids which reminded me of the blessing from God I was receiving that very moment. Rob Bell asked, "Do you truly believe that He is good?" Before last night, I would have to honestly say that God was cruel in watching my suffering and not doing anything about it, but in fact He wanted to bring me closer to Him. He knew that the only thing that could do that was to force me to REALLY talk to Him and secondly to give me what I've been praying for. Praise God. Even if it was just that one night, that's ok. I know I'm where He wants me now and that alone is enough.

Praying

Last night was our open house and I'm absolutely bored to death. I thought it'd be nice to be a little social and see what other guys were up to. I walk by Tom's room and hear Emily in there and that's fine with me so I just head on back to my room since there's nothing going on. That's it. It's not that she didn't come see me so much as it's that she came down and never even said hi. Is that the sign of "Don't speak to me" or what? Later I had a heart-to-heart with God and at one point all I could hear going through my head was the words from Rob Bell's Nooma videos, "I love you buddy. Daddy knows the way home." I'm trying to trust Him, but I just want to go home if this is all my life's going to consist of, and I'm not talking about Plainfield. How long do I have to force myself to smile or sing songs of joy? I'm a hypocrite through and through. A hypocrite that goes every Sunday hoping that God will cure him of his wounds and cancers. As long as I try to control the path that my life will take, the harder I'm going to fall. Over the years God has sent His encouragers: Alex, Megan and Ash. But now I have no one and I don't want one either. I don't want a great cheerleader, I want to be winning the game and now I'm about like Taylor's football tean, without either.

Echo

I feel as though I've seperated myself from God so much that I can no longer hear His voice at all and it scares me. I set her up as my idol and I defined myself by what I thought she liked. I changed for her. I did everything I could to please her and be around her. Everything I should've been doing for God for all these years I did for her. No wonder God humbled me. It's not like this hasn't happened a million times already, but I still can't get the picture. I just want to be happy and anything that gives me that feeling I cling on like a leech till it's dead. I just want someone that'll be there with me when the crap hits the fan. All the things that are happening in my life that I care about I have no control over and the things I do have control over I could care less. I hope I can glorify Him through my graffiti, something I'm good at...no more One Day's, I want it now.