Yearing

I don't know why or what this really is, but I feel like I have this store of love just sitting in me and am about ready to explode. I saw Sarah posted a new profile picture and just glancing over the news feed I felt this rush of sorrow come over me. It was this realization that I had love and lost it. In that moment I felt completely alone. I know I have great friends and family that would do anything for me if I asked but somehow it's not the same. Maybe it is just the stress of being a senior with no job and no woman that's getting to me, but I don't know. I could really care less to be married or even dating by the time I graduate, but it's the lack of hope that I even have a chance.

At the same time God is working miracles in my life. Who'd a thunk that this blog would bring me a miracle. I've been writing in journals since high school but I never would have thought this would actually accomplish anything. I originally started posting online so that others like me that struggled following God's plan could have hope and know that He alone is in control. Little did I know that my own family would read it. There have been so many times I have wanted to tell them but being myself as usual, the fear of what they would say stopped me. When my brother called me and told me how he always thought I was the "perfect" son and how shocked he was to see I had the same demon haunting me all these years. It gave him hope and it gave me a reminder of how great our dear Lord is. With all my being I want to be His. I don't just want to read my Bible and be good, for all that is is religion. I want to BREATHE God, to SEE God, and to have the very power of God flowing through my veins. I can remember that beautiful feeling that I had on 9/10 and just the thought sends a rush through my body. Freedom, how beautiful you are! My God has opened the door for me to escape my self-imprisonment and this time I will walk through it.

I do not know what the future holds. I just pray that it will be worth the sacrifice that freed me. There is nothing I want more than to show God's love. I want to love my wife will all of my heart, laying down my desires and selfishness that she might see the love of Christ in my eyes. I want to have a son and teach him and show him how to love God, respect women, and bring honor to our Father. I don't care what job I have, whether it be business, ministry, or a combination of the two. But I will live my life for more than mere money, for the things of this world all fade away. I want to invest in the only thing that cannot be destroyed, souls. I give everything I have to this mission even to lay my life down for my brothers and sisters. In this I pray in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.