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The title is about all I can say right about now. I'm here. Thursday night went really well, although I wasn't feeling too hot before the concert since my cold was in full force that day. There were a couple lulls in the action backstage and a lot of people she didn't know at all that I talked with, but you'll have that I suppose. One of the guys did a short sermon before the show on how all we have is hope in Jesus and then later on in the show the lead singer talked about how we all have our scars (some deeper than others) but that in the end He is always there and is our only hope. I really really needed to hear that. But this weekend hasn't been what I wished with the 25 10-13 year olds we had on the floor for BASSYCS and then feeling like I wasn't even wanted to be seen by Emily last night. Then having Exit 59's church service moved to Muncie (which I spaced) and showing up to a locked church. Is it ever God's Will that you miss church? But I came back and listened to a Kingsway sermon off the web. I just wish I could talk to someone...really talk. I don't want to fake it anymore. I just wish I knew what to do...where to go...what to say. What're the magic words to unlock my life?

Trying to Find His Way

I couldn't be more confused. Why did she come into my life? Why did God allow me to fall for her when there was never going to be anything to come of it? I just want to know what this lesson is about. I know it comes down to this: I don't trust Christ. I never really have. I look to satisfy my spiritual needs by filling it with a crush, cash, respect, you name it I've probably tried to substitute it for Christ. I want to feel accepted and loved so bad I'm willing to nearly destroy a friendship with an amazing girl for it. I will never find the girl God has in store for me until I can fully trust and love Him with all my heart, my mind, and my soul. Only then will I see His plan for my life and be able to walk it with Him, side by side. Pray I will be able to let go control of this wreck I call my life and release it into His trustworthy hands.

Shot Down

Well, it's over, if only it actually started. I asked her tonight if there was anything there and got a big ol negative. She let me down easy, which I appreciate, but I still feel like I'm back to where I was before, in Hell. My home life is improving so at least my family isn't ripping itself at its seams. I know He'll always be there, but I just want something in the flesh that I can love. She made me feel alive. I haven't felt like that since I rededicated my life to Christ when I was 16. How much longer do I have to be alone? I'm tired...I would trade in everything...the car, the money, the TVs...everything just to be happy. I laugh on the outside but inside I just wish it was over...I pray sincerely that I'll be able to find peace and happiness or go Home. I'm sick of playing this stupid game.