Why I Do What I Do

Unfortunately, I had time to ponder why I did what I did with Emily, and really with my whole life lately. There are serveral reasons I'm who I am, like...
-I didn't want to wait and see what would happen because of Jenni. I feel like it was my fault that she's pregnant and can't stop asking myself "If only I would have asked her out, none of this would've happened." Can inaction destroy a life? Yes.
-I wanted to prove to myself that I'm loyal. My father's adultery will haunt me till I die and I just want to make sure that I never never never ever become that evil man. I want to be truthful, loyal, respectable (not just apparently), pure and a good boyfriend. I want to be my grandfather, Paul Ragsdale. He knew my grandmother 2 months before he proposed and headed off to Africa soon after and never stopped loving her. I saw in his eyes when she died that a part of him went with her...I want that. I want something so precious and holy that when it's gone a part of myself leaves with it.
-I want to think that I don't have to settle for what I think is my "league". She's one of the most beautiful women I have yet to see and I prayed to God that I would have a chance. I know I'm not attractive at all. But I thought that everything else could make up for it, and we saw how that worked out.
-"It is not good for man to be lonely" as God would have it put. I feel like I've been without true human contact for years. I mean, I can remember every time someone made contact with me in highschool, and I can count it all on one hand. How sad is that? I want to feel alive. Christ can do that, but he also did make Eve, so there's got to be something He can't give me directly.
-I want to feel like someone cares. In highschool I used to make lists of who would be crying at my funeral (I was obviously extremely depressed, but I'm just making a point). Who have I impacted? Who would miss me? Who would lose a part of themself? This is my guage for how good a life I've lived. It may be morbid...but when I think of truly great people that have been in my life (Grandpa, Grandma, Ash, Megan, Aaron) they have endless lists of people that would have been impacted, who miss them or who would feel a part of themselves depart. Money, power, cars, fake friends, pirated movies, music...none of it will miss you, none of it will care. I dedicate my life to being Christ, to living by His Will and hopefully my list will fill out. For those without hope, remember that there is someone who looks down with a love that cannot be describe with mere words. There is hope. There is life. There is beauty. I have tasted Heaven and no other thing will ever quench my thirst.

God bless.