After some soul searching I've come to terms on what my life is and what it's not.
-I trive on attention and any lack of it will lead me to think I'm alone.
-My anger towards my father is controlling my life and has turned me into a hateful and miserable person.
-My greatest fear is that I'll never have true love and I'll settle for the first thing I get.
-I love my friends and would gladly die for any of them, but these feelings are not shared for the most part.
-I'm scared of women and with my small amount of confidence, not helped by the media's protrayal of a "good man", has me passing up every good oportunity that has ever crossed my path.
-I believe my life has been one big disappointment to God, my role model grandfather & grandmother, my mom, and my friends because of my cowardice to show the "real Joel", a passionate Christian that stands firm on the truth and shows love through giving of my gifts.
-I feel ugly. The looks I get at the gym make me want to go home and die with the disgust I see in their eyes. I'm only working out so I'll be able to kick them when they're down one day.
-I'm a fake. I brag about having all these women as friends, but I've met only a couple of them and the rest don't talk to me anymore. I haven't shown Christian love in so long I barely can feel His presence in my life at all.
-I'll help anyone that asks for it. If there is anything I can do to help anyone, I'll do it and double it. This is why I like computers since it gives me a great feeling when I can help someone who is clueless and would be ripped off by anyone else.
-I wish I was Ashling. Probably why I love going to Naperville...seeing her friends that enjoy being around her, her family that loves her (even if they do annoy her at times), and her brothers that think "Jude" is cool and try to show off in front of me. If I could pick a father & mother-in-law, there would be no other choice.
-I tend to have a crush on any girl that's there for me (Megan, Baileigh, Jenni, Melissa, Angela, even Ash) only to realize that it would never work, but that God brought each one into my life to teach me a lesson that has molded me till this day.
-I love Jesus. No matter how far I've strayed off the path (which is nearly a daily occurance), I feel God's love crying out to me to come home. I've been through Hell and Heaven and never have I been abandoned by God. When I cryed to God for death in high school as an outcast, he sent Megan to show me someone cared about me and it gave me a new license on life. After having my family ripped apart by infidelity, he sent me an angel to encourage me and be there whenever I needed someone to lean on. God has sent me the greatest gifts I've ever received and I could have never of dreamed of them beforehand.
God is great all the time and the best is yet to come.
Christ,
Renew my mind and help me to show the love that lead You to the Cross for me to others that need to hear the beautiful Gospel. May I be reborn into a new man of God, of love, and of forgiveness. Give me the strength to wait for Your Will to be fulfilled in my life. Forgive me for having so little faith in You recently even after all You've done for me. May my life serve as a testimony to the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ. May I be Your witness and may not one person I know perish in Hell but join me in Heaven forever and ever. Amen.
