I Am Who I Am
After some soul searching I've come to terms on what my life is and what it's not.
-I trive on attention and any lack of it will lead me to think I'm alone.
-My anger towards my father is controlling my life and has turned me into a hateful and miserable person.
-My greatest fear is that I'll never have true love and I'll settle for the first thing I get.
-I love my friends and would gladly die for any of them, but these feelings are not shared for the most part.
-I'm scared of women and with my small amount of confidence, not helped by the media's protrayal of a "good man", has me passing up every good oportunity that has ever crossed my path.
-I believe my life has been one big disappointment to God, my role model grandfather & grandmother, my mom, and my friends because of my cowardice to show the "real Joel", a passionate Christian that stands firm on the truth and shows love through giving of my gifts.
-I feel ugly. The looks I get at the gym make me want to go home and die with the disgust I see in their eyes. I'm only working out so I'll be able to kick them when they're down one day.
-I'm a fake. I brag about having all these women as friends, but I've met only a couple of them and the rest don't talk to me anymore. I haven't shown Christian love in so long I barely can feel His presence in my life at all.
-I'll help anyone that asks for it. If there is anything I can do to help anyone, I'll do it and double it. This is why I like computers since it gives me a great feeling when I can help someone who is clueless and would be ripped off by anyone else.
-I wish I was Ashling. Probably why I love going to Naperville...seeing her friends that enjoy being around her, her family that loves her (even if they do annoy her at times), and her brothers that think "Jude" is cool and try to show off in front of me. If I could pick a father & mother-in-law, there would be no other choice.
-I tend to have a crush on any girl that's there for me (Megan, Baileigh, Jenni, Melissa, Angela, even Ash) only to realize that it would never work, but that God brought each one into my life to teach me a lesson that has molded me till this day.
-I love Jesus. No matter how far I've strayed off the path (which is nearly a daily occurance), I feel God's love crying out to me to come home. I've been through Hell and Heaven and never have I been abandoned by God. When I cryed to God for death in high school as an outcast, he sent Megan to show me someone cared about me and it gave me a new license on life. After having my family ripped apart by infidelity, he sent me an angel to encourage me and be there whenever I needed someone to lean on. God has sent me the greatest gifts I've ever received and I could have never of dreamed of them beforehand.
God is great all the time and the best is yet to come.
Christ,
Renew my mind and help me to show the love that lead You to the Cross for me to others that need to hear the beautiful Gospel. May I be reborn into a new man of God, of love, and of forgiveness. Give me the strength to wait for Your Will to be fulfilled in my life. Forgive me for having so little faith in You recently even after all You've done for me. May my life serve as a testimony to the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ. May I be Your witness and may not one person I know perish in Hell but join me in Heaven forever and ever. Amen.
posted by Bissell at 4:06 PM
4 Comments:
What a neat prayer! Do not be discouraged, everyone has God disappointed with them regularly, but He loves us just the same, that's the amazing part! It's always a good idea to make a list of your strengths and weaknesses, that way you're being honest with yourself and God and can allow Him to change or strengthen those areas. And about the relationship thing, believe me, wait for the right person, you could be absolutely miserable if you don't and God is faithful, just trust and wait on him to bring her into your life. Another thing about your appearance, God made you JUST the way you are! You are a magnificent, beautiful creation! You need to find your identity in Christ, not other people. And believe me, once you do, what other people think will matter so little it would be a petty thing to even toss over in your mind. Even though you are not Ashling, you can put your hope in the Lord, that one day, you will have a family grounded in Christ and full of His love, because God is faithful. Having crushes on people is interesting--when you truly disect the feelings of "crush" what do you get? That's something I ask myself all the time; why do I feel this way about this person?
Anyway, I have something else for you, but I am going to post it on a second comment because this one is too long I think. We'll see if it works.
7/16/2005 12:52 PM
I'm really proud of you. You came to terms with the thing about your dad. You came to terms with a lot of things that were bothering you and that's really good. I just hope you are okay. I'm sorry I haven't been around lately. You're a great friend to me. See you soon.
Ling
7/16/2005 12:59 PM
Amazing, it worked, I wonder what the limit is..
I have something for you that I got from an incredibly neat woman from a ministry I work in called Teen CBS (Community Bible Study). It's a simple sheet of paper, but a wonderful help. I do not know where she got it from, so I'm sorry for not citing the source. Regardless, here it is:
Here are some numbers to keep handy in case of emergency:
When you face sorrow--John 14
When men fail you--Psalm 27
If you want to be fruitful--John 15
When you have sinned--Psalm 51
When you worry--Matthew 6:19-34
When you are in danger--Psalm 91
When God seems far away--Psalm 139
When your faith needs stirring--Hebrews 11
When you are lonely and fearful—Psalm 23
When you grow bitter and critical—I Corinthians 13
For Paul’s secret to happiness—Colossians 3:12-17
For an understanding of Christianity—II Corinthians 5:15-19
When you feel down and out—Romans 8:31
When you want peace and rest—Matthew 11:25-30
When the world seems bigger than God—Psalm 90
When you want Christian assurance—Romans 8:1-30
When your prayers grow narrow or selfish—Psalm 67
When you need courage for a task—Joshua 1
For tips on how to get along with other people—Romans 12
If you are depressed—Psalm 27
If you are losing confidence in people—Psalm 118
If people seem unkind—John 15
If you are discouraged about your work—Psalm 126
Emergency numbers may be dialed direct. No operator assistance is necessary.
7/16/2005 1:20 PM
Thanks you guys. I thought about Megan's crush question and I think it's because they all encouraged me and were there for me in the worst of times, which is one of the key parts to any relationship. Also, my mom pushes me to date them since they are all great girls, but it seems they all have one flaw that would doom the relationship from the start. Eventually, the feelings pass and I realize their true purpose in my life, mostly to keep me sane, just as you two are doing right now.
7/16/2005 2:15 PM
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