Yearing

I don't know why or what this really is, but I feel like I have this store of love just sitting in me and am about ready to explode. I saw Sarah posted a new profile picture and just glancing over the news feed I felt this rush of sorrow come over me. It was this realization that I had love and lost it. In that moment I felt completely alone. I know I have great friends and family that would do anything for me if I asked but somehow it's not the same. Maybe it is just the stress of being a senior with no job and no woman that's getting to me, but I don't know. I could really care less to be married or even dating by the time I graduate, but it's the lack of hope that I even have a chance.

At the same time God is working miracles in my life. Who'd a thunk that this blog would bring me a miracle. I've been writing in journals since high school but I never would have thought this would actually accomplish anything. I originally started posting online so that others like me that struggled following God's plan could have hope and know that He alone is in control. Little did I know that my own family would read it. There have been so many times I have wanted to tell them but being myself as usual, the fear of what they would say stopped me. When my brother called me and told me how he always thought I was the "perfect" son and how shocked he was to see I had the same demon haunting me all these years. It gave him hope and it gave me a reminder of how great our dear Lord is. With all my being I want to be His. I don't just want to read my Bible and be good, for all that is is religion. I want to BREATHE God, to SEE God, and to have the very power of God flowing through my veins. I can remember that beautiful feeling that I had on 9/10 and just the thought sends a rush through my body. Freedom, how beautiful you are! My God has opened the door for me to escape my self-imprisonment and this time I will walk through it.

I do not know what the future holds. I just pray that it will be worth the sacrifice that freed me. There is nothing I want more than to show God's love. I want to love my wife will all of my heart, laying down my desires and selfishness that she might see the love of Christ in my eyes. I want to have a son and teach him and show him how to love God, respect women, and bring honor to our Father. I don't care what job I have, whether it be business, ministry, or a combination of the two. But I will live my life for more than mere money, for the things of this world all fade away. I want to invest in the only thing that cannot be destroyed, souls. I give everything I have to this mission even to lay my life down for my brothers and sisters. In this I pray in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Breakup Part 2

After my idiot stepbrother got caught by my mom with weed, she called the cops on him which any good parent should do. I know if I got caught with that I'd be hanging from a tree out back. So my stepdad in his infinite wisdom tells my mom its over and she was staying over with my aunt the past week. I went home Saturday to find out that they had entered counseling and were making some progress, but I guess today wasn't progress. He went off on her about how she should of let him handle it (but of course, he has no balls) and then ridiculed all the things she brought into the house. He even told her she should always leave the house if something bothers her...but isn't this her house too? Needless to say she's getting an apartment and I'll have to go move her in this weekend. Half of me is incredibly frustrated since I told her all of this would happen exactly like it has happened. She didn't believe me then or when I told her not to get a timeshare or not to let my brother move out or.....After all this I've come up with a psychological theory. "You will never respect the opinion or advice of someone who's butt you've wiped." That should be in Proverbs or something. I just hope she'll finally listen to me since I've always been right in the past. The other half of me feels sorry for her. I've always wanted the best for my mom and just want to see her happy, but unfortunately she's a bit of a drama queen...so here's some free advice: Don't marry, definitely don't have kids, and don't leave your pot sitting on the couch. You're welcome.

The Spirit's Moving

Today at Exit 59 was quite the service. During the 1st service, Darren cast out a demon from a guy that goes to Taylor. Then he talked about the several healings that had happened in the church including his father's disappearance of a heart condition, the complete healing of a brain tumor, and a couple others I can't remember. As usual, someone from the congregation prays for Darren before he preaches, but this time the guy praying said he felt the Spirit calling him to tell someone in the crowd that they were being tormented by demons, that they were free and they had no power over them. He then asked them to stand up or wave their hand while the rest of us had our eyes closed. To be honest, I was completely weirded out and was praying someone, anyone would raise their hand so this guy didn't look crazy. Thank God, someone did. She later went up for prayer after the sermon and had several people praying over her. Even Darren admitted that being raised Wesleyan, he had several reservations when it came to miracles, demon possession, and the like. He (and I) was raised to believe that the Spirit worked visibly in the early Church and overseas, but surely not in places like Indianapolis or Gas City or Upland. I must say I completely understand his view since many evangelicals view Pentacostals and AOG as crazed fools that are faking the Spirit and just smacking people in the head (no wonder they drop like a rock). As a way to distance ourselves from those wing-nuts we have downplayed the influence of the Spirit in our modern and civil society, restricting Him to history and the 3rd world mission fields. Darren also talked about the "Church of Comfort" that has dominated church thought for the last decade or so. My home church, Kingsway, has fallen to this heresy in several ways. It seems like the goal of the church is to be "nice"; nice clothes, nice cars, nice & clean people, nice suburbs, nice feelings, and nice Jesus. I find this view to be sickening and a complete misreading of the Scripture. Christ is the God of the losers, the weak, the poor, the orphan, the widow, and most importantly the sinner. If there is one thing the Church is, the Church is a hospital for sinners to be healed by the blood of Jesus Christ. While I'm still very uncomfortable with the thought of healings and miracles, I long for the Spirit to do His work, whether I'm comfortable with it or not. If I wanted a comfortable life, Jesus would be the last person to follow. I'd love to hear what anyone else thinks about this.

Love

If there is but one thing I have learned throughout my life it is this: love is the only thing worth living for. Money, cars, computers, TVs, and everything this world holds dear is but ashes in the wind. I have seen the gates of Heaven and Hell and the only thing that I have experienced at both is the indescribable love of Jesus. I am but a sinner saved by an amazing grace that I cannot begin to understand. I have lived a life of sin and shame deserving of the crucifixion and more. I have but one hope: that this life is only the beginning and one day I will see Jesus face to face. Heaven could be made of dirt but as long as Jesus is there it would be worth every ounce of suffering to get there. I pray every day that I could come home, but for some reason He delays. My soul longs for the love of my Father. I have tried as hard as I could to show my love to my family, my church, and my girlfriend but failed on all counts. Thank God we have a Father who loves us no matter how far we fall. Though my stomach groans, my heart aches, and my soul tires, I am His to the end. May this suffering bring glory to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Different Life

Since my last post was so gloomy, I thought I might put things back in perspective. Life definitely is much less stressful now than it was during the summer. Our house sold and I have all my money back from all the seemingly endless funds I poured into it. The talks I had with Sherri Rediger really helped me try to find my way through life over the summer. I took a personality profile which really explained to me who I really am. Believe it or not, I'm not a terrible person. The only thing I didn't like about the profile was that it didn't show what faults went along with the personality, but maybe that's the pessimist in me. I continue to struggle every day with sin and while God keeps trying to tell me that my sin is "as far as the east is from the west", I still can't let go. My pastor Darren said it perfectly when he said that I'm trying to pay for my salvation with nothing but a couple pennies so I can feel like I did something to deserve it. The point is: I don't deserve it which is what makes it so beautiful in the first place. I long to have love in my life, but I know that I'm no where near ready for that responsibility. If I don't learn how to exercise self-control now, I never will. I just pray that God will send someone, anyone to preach to my soul and to be my confidant. I realize I have some big trust issues, but after all the people that have walked out of my life, I think I have good reason. My mom also got married a couple weekends ago. From day one I knew it was a bad idea, but supposedly its going ok. But since my house sold, I really never want to go "home", wherever that may be. My mom wants me to go to Bart's (her husband) house and live there, but that's just way too weird. So ladies, who wants a homeless, self-centered addict? I just hope that one day Christ will have turned this sad life into something worth living for. He's the only home I have anymore...

I want to go Home

I have lost everything I love. My dad and brother have turned their back on me and bring me only pain. My mom talks daily of how she thinks of suicide and the one thing I had left, Sarah, is gone. I have no one to turn to. I am alone. God has never left me, but I've left him for the emptiness of sin. I hope that the sin will dull the pain, if only for a moment, but after its all over more pain comes. I just want to be free of these chains. I long for the days with my Father and when the hard times came, He was always just a word away. I walked and talked with Him and I had joy since I knew He loved me. What have I done? I'm running from the only person who cares. I pray Christ can redeem this broken sinner and restore my life. I'm broken and weak...Father...help me. I know my Father loves me and longs for me to be home and I want to be Home more than anything in this world. Jesus, send someone that will help me back on my feet that I might one day walk with you again. Amen.

Prayer w/o Food

For context's sake I'll start from the beginning. I went out for coffee w/ Emily last week and had a great time talking for nearly 2 1/2 hours about nearly everything under the Sun and afterwards I felt that it was truly a gift from the Father to ease the pain and sickness I have had for so long now (although I'm over my cold/flu). This past Friday I invited both Emily and her room mate down for grilling out then hung out almost all night in their room but the whole time I felt like I wasn't wanted and there was something not being said. With Merlin, Dubs, and Rogan all gone to Cedar Point Saturday, I sat in my room the entire day alone with a few guys coming in for movies and whatnot. I felt more lonely that day than I had for nearly a year and Satan was using it to bring me down even more in church the next day when I walked in front of her and sat in front of her in the lobby. I could hear him like the bully taunting you in middle school. "No one cares. You have no friends" Then hearing the message on the Body of Christ, I almost wanted to laugh. It seemed like I was alone in the middle of a war over my soul and I had no one to lean on. I felt completely invisible, like I wasn't even there as people looked me over in search for their friends. I went down to the prayer deck by the lake and cried out to God for help. I simply can't take it anymore. The one friend I thought I had abandoned me and I had no one to turn to for help but Jesus. That night I pledged to God that I would prove to Him and to myself that I was serious about wanting God's help and mainly, a friend. So since Monday I haven't eaten anything and been praying whenever I could. Last night (Wednesday) I talked w/ Emily's room mate about it and assured me it was a misunderstanding, so I called Emily and basically had a DTR (most dreaded conversation in the world). Little did I know that she didn't see me in church and thought I still wanted to date her, which explained the "quota" she put on our time together. We cleared everything up and now I have a friend who wants me to share the pain as well as the joy in my life, to be the real Joel. How great is our God. If only we could see the big picture then I would know that the only way I would've had that talk would be if I was brought to that point of lonliness. If we wouldn't have had the talk then I would've gone on being completely confused and more lonely in the long run. The Father hears our prayers more clearly than we think and not only that but He can see what needs to happen to make that prayer a reality, even if it means more pain on our end. I rejoice in His suffering for it makes me stronger day by day and may I bring eternal glory to the Father forever. Amen.