I Am Who I Am

Yearing

2008-04-04T13:08:00.003-04:00

I don't know why or what this really is, but I feel like I have this store of love just sitting in me and am about ready to explode. I saw Sarah posted a new profile picture and just glancing over the news feed I felt this rush of sorrow come over me. It was this realization that I had love and lost it. In that moment I felt completely alone. I know I have great friends and family that would do anything for me if I asked but somehow it's not the same. Maybe it is just the stress of being a senior with no job and no woman that's getting to me, but I don't know. I could really care less to be married or even dating by the time I graduate, but it's the lack of hope that I even have a chance.

At the same time God is working miracles in my life. Who'd a thunk that this blog would bring me a miracle. I've been writing in journals since high school but I never would have thought this would actually accomplish anything. I originally started posting online so that others like me that struggled following God's plan could have hope and know that He alone is in control. Little did I know that my own family would read it. There have been so many times I have wanted to tell them but being myself as usual, the fear of what they would say stopped me. When my brother called me and told me how he always thought I was the "perfect" son and how shocked he was to see I had the same demon haunting me all these years. It gave him hope and it gave me a reminder of how great our dear Lord is. With all my being I want to be His. I don't just want to read my Bible and be good, for all that is is religion. I want to BREATHE God, to SEE God, and to have the very power of God flowing through my veins. I can remember that beautiful feeling that I had on 9/10 and just the thought sends a rush through my body. Freedom, how beautiful you are! My God has opened the door for me to escape my self-imprisonment and this time I will walk through it.

I do not know what the future holds. I just pray that it will be worth the sacrifice that freed me. There is nothing I want more than to show God's love. I want to love my wife will all of my heart, laying down my desires and selfishness that she might see the love of Christ in my eyes. I want to have a son and teach him and show him how to love God, respect women, and bring honor to our Father. I don't care what job I have, whether it be business, ministry, or a combination of the two. But I will live my life for more than mere money, for the things of this world all fade away. I want to invest in the only thing that cannot be destroyed, souls. I give everything I have to this mission even to lay my life down for my brothers and sisters. In this I pray in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Breakup Part 2

2008-02-25T19:31:00.002-05:00

After my idiot stepbrother got caught by my mom with weed, she called the cops on him which any good parent should do. I know if I got caught with that I'd be hanging from a tree out back. So my stepdad in his infinite wisdom tells my mom its over and she was staying over with my aunt the past week. I went home Saturday to find out that they had entered counseling and were making some progress, but I guess today wasn't progress. He went off on her about how she should of let him handle it (but of course, he has no balls) and then ridiculed all the things she brought into the house. He even told her she should always leave the house if something bothers her...but isn't this her house too? Needless to say she's getting an apartment and I'll have to go move her in this weekend. Half of me is incredibly frustrated since I told her all of this would happen exactly like it has happened. She didn't believe me then or when I told her not to get a timeshare or not to let my brother move out or.....After all this I've come up with a psychological theory. "You will never respect the opinion or advice of someone who's butt you've wiped." That should be in Proverbs or something. I just hope she'll finally listen to me since I've always been right in the past. The other half of me feels sorry for her. I've always wanted the best for my mom and just want to see her happy, but unfortunately she's a bit of a drama queen...so here's some free advice: Don't marry, definitely don't have kids, and don't leave your pot sitting on the couch. You're welcome.

The Spirit's Moving

2008-02-10T18:41:00.000-05:00

Today at Exit 59 was quite the service. During the 1st service, Darren cast out a demon from a guy that goes to Taylor. Then he talked about the several healings that had happened in the church including his father's disappearance of a heart condition, the complete healing of a brain tumor, and a couple others I can't remember. As usual, someone from the congregation prays for Darren before he preaches, but this time the guy praying said he felt the Spirit calling him to tell someone in the crowd that they were being tormented by demons, that they were free and they had no power over them. He then asked them to stand up or wave their hand while the rest of us had our eyes closed. To be honest, I was completely weirded out and was praying someone, anyone would raise their hand so this guy didn't look crazy. Thank God, someone did. She later went up for prayer after the sermon and had several people praying over her. Even Darren admitted that being raised Wesleyan, he had several reservations when it came to miracles, demon possession, and the like. He (and I) was raised to believe that the Spirit worked visibly in the early Church and overseas, but surely not in places like Indianapolis or Gas City or Upland. I must say I completely understand his view since many evangelicals view Pentacostals and AOG as crazed fools that are faking the Spirit and just smacking people in the head (no wonder they drop like a rock). As a way to distance ourselves from those wing-nuts we have downplayed the influence of the Spirit in our modern and civil society, restricting Him to history and the 3rd world mission fields. Darren also talked about the "Church of Comfort" that has dominated church thought for the last decade or so. My home church, Kingsway, has fallen to this heresy in several ways. It seems like the goal of the church is to be "nice"; nice clothes, nice cars, nice & clean people, nice suburbs, nice feelings, and nice Jesus. I find this view to be sickening and a complete misreading of the Scripture. Christ is the God of the losers, the weak, the poor, the orphan, the widow, and most importantly the sinner. If there is one thing the Church is, the Church is a hospital for sinners to be healed by the blood of Jesus Christ. While I'm still very uncomfortable with the thought of healings and miracles, I long for the Spirit to do His work, whether I'm comfortable with it or not. If I wanted a comfortable life, Jesus would be the last person to follow. I'd love to hear what anyone else thinks about this.

Love

2008-01-14T22:47:00.000-05:00

If there is but one thing I have learned throughout my life it is this: love is the only thing worth living for. Money, cars, computers, TVs, and everything this world holds dear is but ashes in the wind. I have seen the gates of Heaven and Hell and the only thing that I have experienced at both is the indescribable love of Jesus. I am but a sinner saved by an amazing grace that I cannot begin to understand. I have lived a life of sin and shame deserving of the crucifixion and more. I have but one hope: that this life is only the beginning and one day I will see Jesus face to face. Heaven could be made of dirt but as long as Jesus is there it would be worth every ounce of suffering to get there. I pray every day that I could come home, but for some reason He delays. My soul longs for the love of my Father. I have tried as hard as I could to show my love to my family, my church, and my girlfriend but failed on all counts. Thank God we have a Father who loves us no matter how far we fall. Though my stomach groans, my heart aches, and my soul tires, I am His to the end. May this suffering bring glory to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Different Life

2007-10-04T02:05:00.000-04:00

Since my last post was so gloomy, I thought I might put things back in perspective. Life definitely is much less stressful now than it was during the summer. Our house sold and I have all my money back from all the seemingly endless funds I poured into it. The talks I had with Sherri Rediger really helped me try to find my way through life over the summer. I took a personality profile which really explained to me who I really am. Believe it or not, I'm not a terrible person. The only thing I didn't like about the profile was that it didn't show what faults went along with the personality, but maybe that's the pessimist in me. I continue to struggle every day with sin and while God keeps trying to tell me that my sin is "as far as the east is from the west", I still can't let go. My pastor Darren said it perfectly when he said that I'm trying to pay for my salvation with nothing but a couple pennies so I can feel like I did something to deserve it. The point is: I don't deserve it which is what makes it so beautiful in the first place. I long to have love in my life, but I know that I'm no where near ready for that responsibility. If I don't learn how to exercise self-control now, I never will. I just pray that God will send someone, anyone to preach to my soul and to be my confidant. I realize I have some big trust issues, but after all the people that have walked out of my life, I think I have good reason. My mom also got married a couple weekends ago. From day one I knew it was a bad idea, but supposedly its going ok. But since my house sold, I really never want to go "home", wherever that may be. My mom wants me to go to Bart's (her husband) house and live there, but that's just way too weird. So ladies, who wants a homeless, self-centered addict? I just hope that one day Christ will have turned this sad life into something worth living for. He's the only home I have anymore...

I want to go Home

2007-06-09T17:26:00.000-04:00

I have lost everything I love. My dad and brother have turned their back on me and bring me only pain. My mom talks daily of how she thinks of suicide and the one thing I had left, Sarah, is gone. I have no one to turn to. I am alone. God has never left me, but I've left him for the emptiness of sin. I hope that the sin will dull the pain, if only for a moment, but after its all over more pain comes. I just want to be free of these chains. I long for the days with my Father and when the hard times came, He was always just a word away. I walked and talked with Him and I had joy since I knew He loved me. What have I done? I'm running from the only person who cares. I pray Christ can redeem this broken sinner and restore my life. I'm broken and weak...Father...help me. I know my Father loves me and longs for me to be home and I want to be Home more than anything in this world. Jesus, send someone that will help me back on my feet that I might one day walk with you again. Amen.

Prayer w/o Food

2006-10-19T09:03:00.000-04:00

For context's sake I'll start from the beginning. I went out for coffee w/ Emily last week and had a great time talking for nearly 2 1/2 hours about nearly everything under the Sun and afterwards I felt that it was truly a gift from the Father to ease the pain and sickness I have had for so long now (although I'm over my cold/flu). This past Friday I invited both Emily and her room mate down for grilling out then hung out almost all night in their room but the whole time I felt like I wasn't wanted and there was something not being said. With Merlin, Dubs, and Rogan all gone to Cedar Point Saturday, I sat in my room the entire day alone with a few guys coming in for movies and whatnot. I felt more lonely that day than I had for nearly a year and Satan was using it to bring me down even more in church the next day when I walked in front of her and sat in front of her in the lobby. I could hear him like the bully taunting you in middle school. "No one cares. You have no friends" Then hearing the message on the Body of Christ, I almost wanted to laugh. It seemed like I was alone in the middle of a war over my soul and I had no one to lean on. I felt completely invisible, like I wasn't even there as people looked me over in search for their friends. I went down to the prayer deck by the lake and cried out to God for help. I simply can't take it anymore. The one friend I thought I had abandoned me and I had no one to turn to for help but Jesus. That night I pledged to God that I would prove to Him and to myself that I was serious about wanting God's help and mainly, a friend. So since Monday I haven't eaten anything and been praying whenever I could. Last night (Wednesday) I talked w/ Emily's room mate about it and assured me it was a misunderstanding, so I called Emily and basically had a DTR (most dreaded conversation in the world). Little did I know that she didn't see me in church and thought I still wanted to date her, which explained the "quota" she put on our time together. We cleared everything up and now I have a friend who wants me to share the pain as well as the joy in my life, to be the real Joel. How great is our God. If only we could see the big picture then I would know that the only way I would've had that talk would be if I was brought to that point of lonliness. If we wouldn't have had the talk then I would've gone on being completely confused and more lonely in the long run. The Father hears our prayers more clearly than we think and not only that but He can see what needs to happen to make that prayer a reality, even if it means more pain on our end. I rejoice in His suffering for it makes me stronger day by day and may I bring eternal glory to the Father forever. Amen.

Death of a Pirate

2006-10-02T21:22:00.000-04:00

This Sunday marked the end of my "career" as a pirate. Darren shared from Romans 13 and talked about how we should submit to the authorities God has put in our lives, however unjust they might be. But also that if their word contradicts the Word of God then we are to stand, not to kneal or to run, but to stand and take what they dish out. This is much like the thinking behind Ghandi and MLK Jr. Pirating for me has always been about "sticking it to the Man" or the whole Robin Hood mentality. Unfortunately for Robin Hood, Paul wrote Romans 13. Although I can't realistically ditch everything immediately (since I couldn't use my computer), I plan to stop pirating from now on and phase out anything I'm currently using. Mainly this means I'm going open source for everything from now on since I don't have the $$$ to pay "the Man". I still very much consider myself anti-copywrite and this will probably fuel that feeling. So instead of sticking it to the Man, I hope to stand up to the Man and let him know I'm not moving. Arrivederci.

P.S. My heartfelt condolences to those of you who think of me as your Blockbuster.

Saved on 9/10

2006-09-12T23:33:00.000-04:00

I have been given a new life. Sunday after hearing one of the most penetrating sermons I've ever heard. Afterwards I stood up and was about to walk out the back...then I heard the Holy Spirit unmistaking say "Go talk to him [Darren Campbell, pastor of Exit 59]." I hesitated and motioned to go with the flow of traffic out of the santuary but then I heard it again even more sternly, "GO." I then walked past a few people and waited for Darren to talk to some others up front. I introduced myself, he remembered me, then I started breaking up. I didn't even know why. I just felt like the dam was about to break and all I could get out was "The Spirit told me to come talk to you." Darren then sat me down on the couch on the side of the stage and just broke down. I uttered the words I never thought would leave my mouth, "I've been addicted to porn." He asked me some questions and then prayed with me and had me confess my sins, accept Christ, and make Him Lord of my life. I've never felt better. The guilt...gone...the pain...gone...the hope...empowering. The old is dead and the new is life. Hallelujah! I am free...free at last...thank God Almighty I'm free at last! I'm going to go to counseling to make sure that poison is permanently out of my life and I can finally begin to be a true Christian. I've been living a lie for so long. I knew all the right answers, all the right sayings, all the right actions when people were watching. No more. I am who I am and will be no one else from that moment on. But now I have a lot of hard talks ahead of me. First and hardest will be my mom, then my church, my father, my brother, my family, my friends...but now I face it with God and with His strength alone. Christ has told me to go tell my father the Good News that he might be saved. The one person on this earth that I hate with all my heart will be the first that I show the grace that Christ has given me. Grace is possible...forgiveness is real...faith is more than believing, it's living my friends and if you haven't felt guiltlessness yet...try it. It's SO worth any price and that price has been paid by the Son and He alone will give you all the strength you need to get through the storm. God is good all the time and the best is yet to come. Pray for me as I go to fulfill this Great Commission.

Finding God

2006-08-23T17:21:00.000-04:00

If you would've told me how much Christ would have taught me this summer I probably wouldn't have believed you. I feel that He is calling me to first get my act together and stop sinning and start trusting. I have treated God like a little kid for so long, only praying for what I can accomplish in my own power just so I don't make God look bad. Hearing a story about a young girl in Africa just asking God like you'd ask a father for some medicine and a doll for a sick girl and getting exactly that...Christ wasn't kidding when He told us to become like children. I now feel a passion for this country's rebirth. That America would remember what her forefathers prayed for her to become, that she would praise her Father and show the world how Christ can revolutionize this dark world. I've come up with a theater business idea that I think could be a huge success and I pray that'll work out and I can help finance this Christian Revolution. As my pastor said this week, "Show people their rights and you have a revolution, show them the Truth and you have a revival." We need both. I encourage everyone to quit being silent, stop going with the flow, and stand up for the rights that were given us by God. I can pray in school. I can say His name wherever I go and whatever position I hold. What do we have to fear? Ridicule (Happens everywhere. "Religous Right" anyone?)? Unemployment (happened in America)? Imprisonment (Happened in Sweden)? If God can break Paul out of prison and save his jailer and bring the greatest empire to it's knees, who are we to fear? "Fear not for I am with you." Christ didn't come so we can sit in pews and give money to the poor, He came to save. When will the Church get off it's butt and do the Will of God?

Summer Days

2006-05-25T01:49:00.000-04:00

Looking back when I was intimately connected with God, I'm jealous of my past. There's so much I have to get right to get anywhere in life, and He knows I know it. First off, I have to forgive my dad. If you don't know, I pretty much detest him and everything he's involved in. I just keep praying that He will teach me how to forgive, not just to say the words which would be hard enough, but to truly forgive him. I need to be in the Word too. Whenever I've read the Bible, it's always changed my life in one way or another in amazing ways, so why wouldn't I? Good question. I have to give everything...my hopes, my dreams, my pain, my regrets, my love, my heart...only to Him. I have to humble myself and accept that He knows a whole lot more about what I need than I do. I just always try to keep in total control of my life...look where that's got me...this summer could be what defines the rest of my life or just cement my life in it's current direction...God help me

Love in Silence

2006-04-17T00:36:00.000-04:00

I saw the Face of Beauty
then she looked at me.
Oh, how could it be,
that an angel would be with me?

He will just wish in silence, in secret.
He can only deny it.
This man will pray to the sunset.
Hoping to love, no longer to be quiet.

Second Chances

2006-04-17T00:08:00.000-04:00

If I've learned anything over the past few weeks is that God loves me more than I could ever comprehend. He gave me a week in paradise with friends that make me feel truly alive. I wish I could go back and relive Kiawah over and over again and maybe even be riskier than I had been. God has blessed me with an abundance of money, family peace, great friends, good grades and most of all, His continual presence. And what have I done to deserve such blessing? I've lacked faith, trust, been a royal pain asking all the time for signs of His Will, cursed (psuedo cussing is exactly the same, it's the attitude, not the words), and envy. God has given me what He's given me, what more can I ask of Him? Novel idea, but I ask God for everything under the sun and some more. I want a girl to love me that probably has a hard time even looking at me and can't accept that God has said NO. Why can't I just be friends? Why do I always want more? I keep thinking "If only I had someone that loved me...that'd be enough", but would it? I already have that person in Jesus Christ and I still search for other fillers in His rightful place. When will I be free and content with my life? This is my 99999999th chance to fix my life and glorify Him. I know that it's possible if I rely on the Holy Spirit, but that's the trick...pray for me.

Beautiful Life

2006-03-23T23:29:00.000-05:00

Well, what can I say...life's good. Spring break starts tomorrow and what looked like another week of lonliness and self-pity has been miraculously turned around like I couldn't have even thought of. Wednesday night (I think) I was talking to Emily about spring break and how it was going to be really boring just sitting at home doing nothing and then out of Heaven itself she said, "i don't really know how you're going to react to this...but how would you feel about coming with us?" Is that even a question? HECK YEAH haha. So the Bis is going to South Carolina (around Charleston) with Emily, Kristin, Christine, and Emily's parents (who are supposedly really cool. Can't beat that. He truly knows what we need. Amen? I feel like dancing...almost. Tonight I went for a walk down to the lake and sat by the firepit and just talked with Him. There's nothing better on the face of this earth than that. I could feel His warmth all over (and it's pretty cold). But ya know what? It doesn't matter if anything will come of us, but just having God work in my life like this is all I really want. Seeing God work unrestrained is incredible. You really see how futile human effort is after you witness how God can turn dispair into joy and lonliness into happiness. Praise God. If only I could really show you how incredibly beautiful it is to be in love with Christ...words cannot describe it, Satan can't put it out, and I can't screw it up. I love you Father.

Why I Do What I Do

2006-03-18T00:08:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately, I had time to ponder why I did what I did with Emily, and really with my whole life lately. There are serveral reasons I'm who I am, like...
-I didn't want to wait and see what would happen because of Jenni. I feel like it was my fault that she's pregnant and can't stop asking myself "If only I would have asked her out, none of this would've happened." Can inaction destroy a life? Yes.
-I wanted to prove to myself that I'm loyal. My father's adultery will haunt me till I die and I just want to make sure that I never never never ever become that evil man. I want to be truthful, loyal, respectable (not just apparently), pure and a good boyfriend. I want to be my grandfather, Paul Ragsdale. He knew my grandmother 2 months before he proposed and headed off to Africa soon after and never stopped loving her. I saw in his eyes when she died that a part of him went with her...I want that. I want something so precious and holy that when it's gone a part of myself leaves with it.
-I want to think that I don't have to settle for what I think is my "league". She's one of the most beautiful women I have yet to see and I prayed to God that I would have a chance. I know I'm not attractive at all. But I thought that everything else could make up for it, and we saw how that worked out.
-"It is not good for man to be lonely" as God would have it put. I feel like I've been without true human contact for years. I mean, I can remember every time someone made contact with me in highschool, and I can count it all on one hand. How sad is that? I want to feel alive. Christ can do that, but he also did make Eve, so there's got to be something He can't give me directly.
-I want to feel like someone cares. In highschool I used to make lists of who would be crying at my funeral (I was obviously extremely depressed, but I'm just making a point). Who have I impacted? Who would miss me? Who would lose a part of themself? This is my guage for how good a life I've lived. It may be morbid...but when I think of truly great people that have been in my life (Grandpa, Grandma, Ash, Megan, Aaron) they have endless lists of people that would have been impacted, who miss them or who would feel a part of themselves depart. Money, power, cars, fake friends, pirated movies, music...none of it will miss you, none of it will care. I dedicate my life to being Christ, to living by His Will and hopefully my list will fill out. For those without hope, remember that there is someone who looks down with a love that cannot be describe with mere words. There is hope. There is life. There is beauty. I have tasted Heaven and no other thing will ever quench my thirst.

God bless.

Don't Speak Too Fast

2006-03-12T22:59:00.000-05:00

He listens. After pouring my heart out to God Friday night and feeling completely worthless all Saturday, I get an IM from Emily. At first I felt almost insulted. Why come down here and not even speak to me then invite me upstairs in less than a day? But I figured I needed the company and headed on upstairs only to find a completely abandoned room. So that was Kick-in-the-balls part 2. I came back down defeated but thought I'd leave her a note that I was there so I went back up, left the note, then decided to walk down the hall to see if anyone else was around. Right when I'm about to walk right off the floor I hear her say my name. We went back to her room and hung out for a little bit till I suggested Starbucks, so we went (and I had the best thing ever aka Strawberry Frap). After just chilling there for awhile, we went over to Walmart and the whole time I didn't feel depressed, in fact I was truly happy. God knew what I wanted so bad, someone to spend time with and not feel like I'm worthless. After going to Walmart we came back and she still wanted to hang out so we watched a couple Nooma vids which reminded me of the blessing from God I was receiving that very moment. Rob Bell asked, "Do you truly believe that He is good?" Before last night, I would have to honestly say that God was cruel in watching my suffering and not doing anything about it, but in fact He wanted to bring me closer to Him. He knew that the only thing that could do that was to force me to REALLY talk to Him and secondly to give me what I've been praying for. Praise God. Even if it was just that one night, that's ok. I know I'm where He wants me now and that alone is enough.

Praying

2006-03-11T20:19:00.000-05:00

Last night was our open house and I'm absolutely bored to death. I thought it'd be nice to be a little social and see what other guys were up to. I walk by Tom's room and hear Emily in there and that's fine with me so I just head on back to my room since there's nothing going on. That's it. It's not that she didn't come see me so much as it's that she came down and never even said hi. Is that the sign of "Don't speak to me" or what? Later I had a heart-to-heart with God and at one point all I could hear going through my head was the words from Rob Bell's Nooma videos, "I love you buddy. Daddy knows the way home." I'm trying to trust Him, but I just want to go home if this is all my life's going to consist of, and I'm not talking about Plainfield. How long do I have to force myself to smile or sing songs of joy? I'm a hypocrite through and through. A hypocrite that goes every Sunday hoping that God will cure him of his wounds and cancers. As long as I try to control the path that my life will take, the harder I'm going to fall. Over the years God has sent His encouragers: Alex, Megan and Ash. But now I have no one and I don't want one either. I don't want a great cheerleader, I want to be winning the game and now I'm about like Taylor's football tean, without either.

Echo

2006-03-07T23:40:00.000-05:00

I feel as though I've seperated myself from God so much that I can no longer hear His voice at all and it scares me. I set her up as my idol and I defined myself by what I thought she liked. I changed for her. I did everything I could to please her and be around her. Everything I should've been doing for God for all these years I did for her. No wonder God humbled me. It's not like this hasn't happened a million times already, but I still can't get the picture. I just want to be happy and anything that gives me that feeling I cling on like a leech till it's dead. I just want someone that'll be there with me when the crap hits the fan. All the things that are happening in my life that I care about I have no control over and the things I do have control over I could care less. I hope I can glorify Him through my graffiti, something I'm good at...no more One Day's, I want it now.

Graffiti Wishlist

2006-02-27T23:14:00.000-05:00

Stencil Gallery

2006-02-27T22:55:00.000-05:00

Here

2006-02-26T23:33:00.000-05:00

The title is about all I can say right about now. I'm here. Thursday night went really well, although I wasn't feeling too hot before the concert since my cold was in full force that day. There were a couple lulls in the action backstage and a lot of people she didn't know at all that I talked with, but you'll have that I suppose. One of the guys did a short sermon before the show on how all we have is hope in Jesus and then later on in the show the lead singer talked about how we all have our scars (some deeper than others) but that in the end He is always there and is our only hope. I really really needed to hear that. But this weekend hasn't been what I wished with the 25 10-13 year olds we had on the floor for BASSYCS and then feeling like I wasn't even wanted to be seen by Emily last night. Then having Exit 59's church service moved to Muncie (which I spaced) and showing up to a locked church. Is it ever God's Will that you miss church? But I came back and listened to a Kingsway sermon off the web. I just wish I could talk to someone...really talk. I don't want to fake it anymore. I just wish I knew what to do...where to go...what to say. What're the magic words to unlock my life?

Trying to Find His Way

2006-02-22T18:58:00.000-05:00

I couldn't be more confused. Why did she come into my life? Why did God allow me to fall for her when there was never going to be anything to come of it? I just want to know what this lesson is about. I know it comes down to this: I don't trust Christ. I never really have. I look to satisfy my spiritual needs by filling it with a crush, cash, respect, you name it I've probably tried to substitute it for Christ. I want to feel accepted and loved so bad I'm willing to nearly destroy a friendship with an amazing girl for it. I will never find the girl God has in store for me until I can fully trust and love Him with all my heart, my mind, and my soul. Only then will I see His plan for my life and be able to walk it with Him, side by side. Pray I will be able to let go control of this wreck I call my life and release it into His trustworthy hands.

Shot Down

2006-02-16T22:55:00.000-05:00

Well, it's over, if only it actually started. I asked her tonight if there was anything there and got a big ol negative. She let me down easy, which I appreciate, but I still feel like I'm back to where I was before, in Hell. My home life is improving so at least my family isn't ripping itself at its seams. I know He'll always be there, but I just want something in the flesh that I can love. She made me feel alive. I haven't felt like that since I rededicated my life to Christ when I was 16. How much longer do I have to be alone? I'm tired...I would trade in everything...the car, the money, the TVs...everything just to be happy. I laugh on the outside but inside I just wish it was over...I pray sincerely that I'll be able to find peace and happiness or go Home. I'm sick of playing this stupid game.

New Hope

2006-01-27T01:16:00.000-05:00

Right when you think that there is no hope or beauty in this world Christ knocks you on your rear. This J-term I have found something to live for, something to put it all on the line for. I've received exactly what I've needed for all these years...Hope. I feel alive. I have finally come back into that state of bliss with my Christ. I feel His eternal love like a cozy fireplace after coming in from the frigid cold. Has anything changed? I have seen the face of beauty and I hear the beautiful voice of Jesus all day. We talk again! Do you have any idea how long I've longed to be here again?!? Praise God. In Astronomy (however boring the profs are) I have been able to see the awe inspiring Creation He has carefully laid out for us to see the pure genius and creativity that cannot be seen anywhere else. And when I thought all was lost and I was just destined to be alone and to never feel loved again, I get a glimpse of hope. Christ has brought the most beautiful woman I've ever seen right into my life. She's absolutely perfect and flawed in all the best ways. Whenever I'm around her I feel alive. I can just see God laughing when I ask him if I can see her but one more time during the day to which He indulges His son. I just have a feeling that this has something much more behind it all. I will leave that moment I finally cowboy up and ask her out up to God, I'm sure He can arrange it all much better than I ever could. Here's to you Big Guy ;)

So Close

2005-12-12T22:27:00.000-05:00

2 days away from Christmas break and I can't wait. This semester has been the busiest of all to date even though I'm taking only a whopping 13 credits. Ridiculous...but that's been the life for a whole semester. My projects have owned every moment of my life to the point I can't even think how tired I am. I was (somehow) able to go see the Colts v. Titans game last weekend which was a great break from the grind. Got to have some pork burgers w/ Dubya's family and dropped off my old TV since I went and bought a 32" LCD HDTV (pure sexiness) and sold my old 34" beast to my mom. I've spent more money in the past 4 weeks than I make in a year. Thank goodness I don't have to pay for the Xbox 360 or my 5.1 speaker system...thank you Christmas. Materially, everything's amazing. But less than 3 or 4 weeks ago I get a suprise call from Jenni and I'm thinking this will be it, she's dumping her boyfriend and I can do what I was supposed to do in the beginning. Not quite...I heard news that literally froze me. After I got off the phone I went out into the woods and unloaded on God, demanding that He watch over his daughter. I pray nearly everyday for her and she hardly has left my mind since then. I feel like she doesn't want my help and I can't help even if I wanted. Thanksgiving was rough too. My mom is dating a good family friend of ours and my brother is absolutely against her ever dating. So being the antagonist she loves to be, she keeps talking about him around Jeremiah and talking about marraige. I want to puke and Miah is infuriated. I cracked Sunday night and just begged her to stop it, I've got enough drama in my life I have to suppress. Then she calls me yesterday talking about how she talked to my dad's prostitute girlfriend and forgave her and how alike they are...why...why stir up my hate now? I hung up. I cannot forgive my dad unless I can forget it all and that's going to take a long time (and she's not helping). Pray for Jenni and I. My family is ripping itself apart while hers has abandoned her when she needs them most. Christ, be with us.

Neeeeed sleeeepy

2005-11-09T17:43:00.000-05:00

I'm dying. This semester was supposed to be great, Tuesday and Thursday off, all the time in the world to have fun and sleep in nice and late. Think again. I get 6 hours of sleep if I'm lucky and not to mention my cycles of stress (Sunday - Wednesday). I feel like I'm stuck in this horrible routine and I just can't seem to break out of it. If only...that's been the words I've been saying half the semester. If only I had a girlfriend to lift me up, if only I had more money, more time, or better grades. In fact, none of it really matters. I need to find some purpose in all this. Since I'm taking only 1 class that will count towards my new major, I feel like I'm just dragging along trying to get my GPA up. I did have fun this last weekend which was a very much needed break from the lonliness that is typical of a Sigma Beta open house. I just compare myself to all these other guys that have the looks, the money and the brains and get more and more depressed in the process. At least in highschool I knew that I was going to be their boss one day, now they'll be mine. I'm trying so hard to have faith Father, but sometimes you get hit and can't get up on your own. Help me Father.

Look at that life, friggin fantastic eh...even an online quiz says I'm a loser.

2005-11-09T17:41:00.000-05:00

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6.3
Mind:	6.4
Body:	5.1
Spirit:	9.6
Friends/Family:	3.8
Love:	0
Finance:	7.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

What to do...

2005-10-11T09:06:00.000-05:00

Ever felt like there's 10 ways your life could go? I have lived my whole life by my "dream" of how my life will go. Not suprisingly, God has intereupted every single part of that plan. I was convinced in high school that I would date Megan Sutherlin (way too hot for me in the first place) and then my life would be milk & honey. Not that it wouldn't...but He wasn't anywhere near done with me. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn now, but I wish He'd get to that part soon. I feel like everyday is just that, another day with all the same. I look at what my life has been and it makes me want to cry. I have abandoned the only thing in my life that's been consistent and never changing so so so many times, Jesus. Even after all the blaspheming, the lack of trust, outright denial, trying to put Him in a box only to be taken out when convenient, HE STILL LOVES ME. It's a beautiful thing. I've been so worried about being alone all my life I haven't stepped back to look that I've had someone there through it all. My Father has been there through the depression, being outcast, the insults to my faith, the crushes, the lonliness, the pain of being betrayed by my father. I know God exists because there is nothing that could have sustained me throughout all the pain that made me want to end it all. I just hope I can fulfill His plans for my life, not mine. Be patient with me Lord, it'll take some warming up to get me to wake up and get with the program.

Pick-A-Date

2005-10-01T13:13:00.000-05:00

This week has been awful...working everyday at 8 is absolutely killing me, no lie. I've been going on 5-6 hours of sleep everyday, feeling like I could fall asleep at any moment. Things have changed a lot from the summer...but work's been ok (even though I have to work so early). But now onto the good news.

I get wind of a "quick-pick", or a pick-a-date where we have under 2 days to find someone to go with. Ever since I've met Kristine on third Bergwall, I've been wanting to hang out with her (mostly cause she looks and acts like Jenni, which is awesome). I spose I've always been attracted to the girls I could never have, fun and outgoing (and attractive) girls. So naturally, I asked her to go with me. She tells me that she's going on her pick-a-date Friday at 5 too, so no-can-do. I figure it's a sign from God I suck or should just go home for the weekend, but things change. Butch tells me I have to go, so I just called Jess and asked her if she'd like to go since she's pretty fun and we go back and forth like an old married couple. To my suprise, this has been probably the best pick-a-date I've ever been on. We went to Olive Garden (still amazing) and not one moment of awkward silence, only laughter, then to putt-putt were Jess had to make up for my suckiness but I did get a hole-in-one, then we went to bowl and had fun jumping up in the air in the shape of an X or / whenever we got a strike or a spare. Good times. Later I came back and watched Butterfly Effect w/ Joel Kempson (Pipin) & Scooter which made for a great end to the night. All in all I think it was God working afterall. A pick-a-date's not really the way to get to know someone, so it probably wouldn't be all that great with Krisitine, but having Jess there with no need to impress but just relax and have some laughs was just what I needed after a hard week. Thank You Father...I owe ya one.

Normally I don't do this stuff...but what the hey

2005-10-01T13:12:00.000-05:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Wild Weekend

2005-09-24T17:44:00.000-05:00

Well, the thought of having a relaxing weekend just disappeared...last night (Friday night) my brother left at around 10 and my mom let him go to a billiard's place in a not-so-nice part of town till 1 (total bullcrap since she wouldn't let me stay out past 12 when I was flippin' 18). Now he's supposed to be pulling in the garage at 1, it's 1:40 before he even calls and gives this line of bull to my mom, which she buys and lets him leave once the game is done. It's 2:30 and he isn't home yet, so I wake up my mom and tell her, she calls him on his cell to tell him to leave that place right then, but this guy he's playing with is screaming on the other end that he has to finish his game. My mom's freaked out by this point, so we jump in my car and head over there ready to call the cops. When we get there, we find out that my brother is an absolute moron and bet his two poolsticks (or $300), not to mention an earlier bet as well. This guy would not give back the sticks even though my brother is 16 (definitely not allowed to gamble, not to mention gambling's illegal throughout the state). So my mom is just going off on this guy saying she's going to call the cops if this white trash doesn't give back the stupid things. Then my dad shows up and makes a deal with the guy to settle for $200 and give the sticks back, which my brother has to pay my dad in full for being a complete retard. So basically, Miah's one step away from losing his car (already lost all driving privileges and won't be able to leave the house besides school for a month at least). Moral of the story: #1 Don't be a friggin retard and gamble. #2 Don't have kids since the probability they'll be worthless increases with every generation.

Have a nice day.

A Weekend Away

2005-09-24T01:50:00.000-05:00

This past week has been one interesting week indeed. I changed my major, dropped a class, got a job, joined the REAL facebook (woot), bombed a quiz, aced a test, and most importantly found the Father again. It's been a week of high and lows. The highest would have to be Spiritual Renewal Week with Dr. Richard Allen Farmer. He reminded me of what I knew all along. God cares, God's there, and God hears us. (You can listen to this amazing man at http://www.taylor.edu/experience/chapel.htm) Seeing the bliss he was living in reminded me of the "good ol' days" living every breath with God right there. When he would speak of the overflowing love you experience with Jesus, it made me cry tears of joy since I knew exactly what he was talking about. There is truly nothing that can compare to the love of the Almighty. There is no other way to know what I'm talking about unless you've been there. It's a lot like love itself, there is no way you can capture the feelings you experience in any amount of words. Once you've experienced the absolute peace and freedom that Christ can bring to your life (and even my messed up life), everything else pales in comparison and you'll never be able to find satisfaction in your life ever again. This is what I've been living for several months now...horrible, painful emptiness. I had no purpose, no love, no faith in the God that had delivered me from my troubles so many times before. This rebirth of my soul has brought me immesurable peace during these times of pure chaos. All is as God wills it...

Psycho Accountant

2005-09-17T11:41:00.000-05:00

I had a very interesting thing happen yesterday...my accounting prof. kicked us out of class. Two guys in the back were sleeping and no one (as always) was answering his stupid questions everyone already knows, so he just came to a screeching halt in the middle of a lecture. He started breathing really heavy and I could just see his face was saying in bold letters "PO'D". He gave us this speech on how my professor "has to go to work Friday and so do you [students] and you won't get to stop working on Friday out in the real world either!" He then went on about how nobody had their books open (or didn't have them at all) during a LECTURE...retard. I don't even own the book since Merlin has it. After he kicked us out at around 3, he sent 5 e-mails at 3:21, 3:28, 3:30, 3:41, 4:01. This man was p.o.'d beyond anything I've ever witnessed. Now we have to come to class or it's 10 pts. off, if we sleep it's 10 pts. off, we now have assigned seats, if we don't answer questions that he asks us right, we lose points. Is it just me or did someone forget to take their Midol?

The Routine

2005-09-08T21:04:00.000-05:00

Now that I'm in my own groove with school, it's ok. This semester looks like it's going to be ok, not great, just ok. My classes are far from getting to their true horrible difficulty which I'm oh so looking forward to. My doubts about my major don't help. I just wish I could see into the future to see how this would all work out. I think I'm going to for sure move to Business Management/Systems so I can avoid the incredible stress of programming (and not having a clue what I'm doing). I really wish this frickin' major wasn't so involved with programming. There is no way this is real world. I've talked with many administrators and have never heard a thing about needing to know programming at all. I'm just going to grit my teeth and make it through this semester with a semblence of a GPA. I just wish there was somebody around that I could talk to. The guys are cool to hang out with, but I just don't have those deep conversations with them like I do with most girls (which have pretty much disappeared from my life). I just wish someone would show me what to do...

Back to School

2005-09-02T20:23:00.000-05:00

I'm back at Taylor finally and I must say it's good to be back after that very boring summer. It's a lot different without all the seniors here as well as Clog & Jere. I think it'll just make me be more creative in what to do around here. Having all the Bhoners around is still pretty strange since it seems they should be downstairs. There are a couple I could see myself hanging out with, but most of them are complete tools. I have yet to see what an open house w/ 3 floors of girls is like, but we'll see. We're having our "retreat" this weekend and since gas prices have skyrocketed I decided to stay here instead of getting my car fixed back home. The retreat should be ok, we're going to the Rayburn's (our floor sponsors) for a cookout, games, possible dinner with the new President of Taylor and then the naming ceremony of the new freshman (yes, man, since there's only one) and a couple transfer students as well as the Bhoners we want to pick on;). My classes are going to be pretty hard, especially Discrete Mathematics which is basically Math From Hell 101. Hopefully it won't make me hate my life too much, but we'll see. I've gotten to hang out with Fife, Nelly, and Burl in their apartment which has been good being back with the "good ol' boys". I just think it's interesting how I'm nearly the only Sophomore that hangs out with the upperclassmen, especially the seniors. Anyhoo, I'm off to watch a movie and relax after my first week of classes. Adios and God bless.

Only for the Irish....

2005-08-19T18:17:00.000-05:00

I'VE BEEN TAGGED!!!
Five things I can't live without:
1. Food
2. Oxygen
3. Computer
4. Water/Frappuccinos;)
5. Family

Five foods/beverages that I love:
1. Frappuccinos
2. Coca-Cola
3. Donatos Pizza
4. Fetuccini Alfredo w/ Chicken
5. Fried Chicken

Five things that I always have with me:
1. Wallet
2. Keys
3. Orbit Gum
4. Cell
5. iPod

Five things I will always and forever hate and/or dislike:
1. Hypocrites
2. Adulterers
3. Immoral people
4. People w/ no principles
5. The rich

So Close Yet So Far

2005-08-18T01:49:00.000-05:00

I have less than 2 weeks left (going back the 28th) and I can hardly believe it. This summer has had to be the single biggest waste of time known to man. Without a job, I've done basically nothing all summer besides build a few computers and burn DVDs. I thought I was pretty happy there for awhile, but it pretty much came crashing down yesterday after I did some soul searching and found that I lie about nearly everything. I would say I've made a good friend though. Steve and I have become pretty good friends these past weeks, just too bad we couldn't of done it sooner. I can't wait to get back to school and back into some semblence of a social life. Merlin and I are set to have one of the best rooms ever, at least computer/movie wise. Trying to find the right recliner has become the biggest pain in the rear since I bought a crappy one off Ebay and now they're going to screw me on the return, yippee. Otherwise, everything's fine. We finally kicked Kathy, the woman that's been smooching off of us for several months, which was a much needed break in this halfway house I live in. But ever have one of those moments where your life is just completely meaningless? Pretty much true in my case, I'm just hoping I'll be worth something when I go back to Taylor. Wish me luck.

Back From Paradise

2005-08-07T16:10:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to let y'all know I'm back from Cali. The trip was amazing. Although, right when I got off the plane my throat started really hurting, but a spray w/ cloraseptic took that right away (that stuff is amazing). That night we just stayed in San Jose. We went to eat w/ a coworker of my mom's the next day, who is Indian (dot not the feather :P), and her husband, who is Greek. Needless to say it was an interesting couple. He sounds like a full blooded Italian right off the Godfather, it's hilarious (too bad his name aint Luigi). He took us to Fry's Electronics out in San Jose, which I've never been to. He took me on the tour of Heaven as I know it...I love that place now haha. The whole time he's saying things like, "This place is great, no? But it is a cult of Lucifer for sure." I was cracking up the whole time. Of course Jeremiah stopped in the speaker rooms...cracker. But after that we went to our new hotel in Monterey which was really pretty nice. That afternoon Jeremiah decided he wanted to be a royal jerk, so he drove my mom to tears and the vacation looked to be in shambles. I took her out for a drive and we went to eat at this really nice lil outdoor restaurant in Monterey w/ absolutely perfect weather and good food, and I paid just to give her a break that night. Next day things went smoothly, just went to a beach for awhile and then to a whale watching tour which was pretty cool. But I had thought, being cloudy, I wouldn't get burned...wrong...I got FRIED. I looked like a lobster till the last day of the vacation..blisters and all...dead sexy I know. After that we went to the 17 mile drive which is this neighborhood you pay to get to drive through since it's all these massive mansions and coastal rocks (which I climbed up on for some good ol fun). After that we headed out to San Francisco and I took over driving shortly before we entered the city and drove into the parking garage. This "parking garage" was so small, every turn in it had to be a 3 point turn since it was so incredibly tight, but I managed to pull it off in an Impala. Next day went to the Crooked Street (8 turns in 1 block downhill) which is up 2 blocks from the hotel on a street that goes up at a good 60 degrees easily. Then down to the Wharf, ate, shopped, and whatnot, but the wind there is really fast and prob 60 degrees at the hottest, so at night we were freezing to death in the middle of summer. Next day I wore a hoodie and we took a streetcar tour of the city before talking forever to this really shady salesman that got my mom to go to a presentation the next day to which I thought was for sure a fraud since this guy was probably the best salesman I've ever seen in my life, and we bought a streetcar from him. The streetcar tour was funny and really interesting. Going through Chinatown, Little Italy, Pacific Heights (filthy rich), and the guide pointed out all the different architecture which was really cool. But on a suggestion from the streetcar driver, we go to this hole-in-the-wall pizza place, The Front Room, which was the best pizza I've ever had in my life, no lie. Next day we wake up for this sales presentation that's basically a timeshare, but lets you use your points you buy to use at any of their resorts (full kitchens, 4 rooms average) or at a hotel they partner with. It sounded pretty good actually once I heard it all, and it's a whole lot cheaper than most hotels, and not only that but he gave me and Jeremiah free brand new iPods (still shipping) and hooked us up w/ the "sold-out" Alcatraz tour for the next day for free ($165), a boat tour of the bay for free (under the bridge, around Alcatraz and whatnot), and a couple other goodies along w/ the free breakfast for showing up. The last day of the vacation we went to Coit Tower with this funny lil Asian dude taking us up to the top in an elevator and then we went on an Alcatraz cruise which was really pretty cool, but it was windy as crap, so it messed up my hair...friggin wind...haha jk. After that we went to Haight-Ashbury where all the hippies still hang out which was...interesting...basically a Grateful Dead neighborhood, but cool nevertheless. We walked down to the Golden Gate Park which was ultra shady w/ homeless everywhere, so we got a cab out of there and went to Union Square w/ all the shopping and got some Cheesecake Factory for lunch (my first time, but great stuff). We went back to the Front Room for more pizza, then just back to the hotel for a movie and sleep to wake up at 4am the next morning. Only bad part was that our neighbors were laughing, coughing, and everything possibly noisy to the point we banged on the door while watching Hostage since it was so distracting. After the movie was over it never did stop so we called down to the desk and they sent up a guy my age that let this British woman come over at 11:30 to knock on our door and yell at my mom for calling the desk instead of coming over in her pajamas to tell them to be quiet. She kept telling my mom to ask to be moved, it was ridiculous. But finally they calmed down and we drove to the airport the next morning and got to ride home in the middle seats apart from each other...but I got home. Now I just wish I was still in Monterey...

Insanity

2005-07-21T14:23:00.000-05:00

Last night a 12 year old girl, Rachel, came to stay with Kathy & Sarah (the mom & daughter that are staying with us till they move into their rental). Needless to say I felt like I had ringside seats to what goes on when girls get together to spend the night...pure havoc. After having Mika, the Latvian kid my mom had over, stay with us I felt like there was a slight possibility that I might have a kid, but then I encountered this nightmare. Maybe I'll have a boy, but a girl? Hey no! I'd rather take a bullet than listen to one more girl giggle...good gravy...not only did I have the "Oh he's so hot" crap going on in the background, I was have a pretty indepth convo with Baileigh about what's going on. To top it all off, the internet comes to a crashing halt leaving me without any internet till this morning. Needless to say I was furious with Comcast, but remained cool on the phone just mouthing "Friggin idiots!" to my brother. Then this morning the girls are at it again giggling and chasing Sammy around the house (upstairs where my brother and I are sleeping and down the stairs). Not only that but I missed my daily Becker show...how dare they haha. I'm just eating up the peace right now...just wish I had that peace in my mind. I wonder why on earth I even bother with Baileigh since it's obvious she doesn't want me in her life (or maybe she does, but I'm so flippin' confused it's not funny). Why can't life be simple? Why am I just such an outcast in this town? Just get me back to Taylor where I have somewhat of a social life...

I Am Who I Am

2005-07-16T16:06:00.000-05:00

After some soul searching I've come to terms on what my life is and what it's not.
-I trive on attention and any lack of it will lead me to think I'm alone.
-My anger towards my father is controlling my life and has turned me into a hateful and miserable person.
-My greatest fear is that I'll never have true love and I'll settle for the first thing I get.
-I love my friends and would gladly die for any of them, but these feelings are not shared for the most part.
-I'm scared of women and with my small amount of confidence, not helped by the media's protrayal of a "good man", has me passing up every good oportunity that has ever crossed my path.
-I believe my life has been one big disappointment to God, my role model grandfather & grandmother, my mom, and my friends because of my cowardice to show the "real Joel", a passionate Christian that stands firm on the truth and shows love through giving of my gifts.
-I feel ugly. The looks I get at the gym make me want to go home and die with the disgust I see in their eyes. I'm only working out so I'll be able to kick them when they're down one day.
-I'm a fake. I brag about having all these women as friends, but I've met only a couple of them and the rest don't talk to me anymore. I haven't shown Christian love in so long I barely can feel His presence in my life at all.
-I'll help anyone that asks for it. If there is anything I can do to help anyone, I'll do it and double it. This is why I like computers since it gives me a great feeling when I can help someone who is clueless and would be ripped off by anyone else.
-I wish I was Ashling. Probably why I love going to Naperville...seeing her friends that enjoy being around her, her family that loves her (even if they do annoy her at times), and her brothers that think "Jude" is cool and try to show off in front of me. If I could pick a father & mother-in-law, there would be no other choice.
-I tend to have a crush on any girl that's there for me (Megan, Baileigh, Jenni, Melissa, Angela, even Ash) only to realize that it would never work, but that God brought each one into my life to teach me a lesson that has molded me till this day.
-I love Jesus. No matter how far I've strayed off the path (which is nearly a daily occurance), I feel God's love crying out to me to come home. I've been through Hell and Heaven and never have I been abandoned by God. When I cryed to God for death in high school as an outcast, he sent Megan to show me someone cared about me and it gave me a new license on life. After having my family ripped apart by infidelity, he sent me an angel to encourage me and be there whenever I needed someone to lean on. God has sent me the greatest gifts I've ever received and I could have never of dreamed of them beforehand.

God is great all the time and the best is yet to come.

Christ,
Renew my mind and help me to show the love that lead You to the Cross for me to others that need to hear the beautiful Gospel. May I be reborn into a new man of God, of love, and of forgiveness. Give me the strength to wait for Your Will to be fulfilled in my life. Forgive me for having so little faith in You recently even after all You've done for me. May my life serve as a testimony to the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ. May I be Your witness and may not one person I know perish in Hell but join me in Heaven forever and ever. Amen.

Numb

2005-07-11T14:41:00.000-05:00

I've been pretty busy lately getting all these computers built, parts returned (6 to be exact), kept UPS in business, kicked myself for being a moron, ordered the right parts, got my mom's new PC built, installed all my "borrowed" software and now I finally have time to sit back and let my screwdriver rest. What did I get for it all? Nothing! Why is it the pro bono jobs that are always the biggest pains. Anyhoo, I've been pretty discouraged lately since I've lost no weight at all working out every day for the past 3 weeks. Not to mention my dreams...is this God torturing me? All I dream about is the great times I've had with some of the girls in my life: Megan, Baileigh, Jenni, and Ash. All of them (except for Baileigh) are great women, but when I wake up it's just another reminder how alone I am here. I've been trying so hard to just shut it out and forget it, but I've run out of mindless entertainment... It was really disturbing last weekend when this one of my mom's friends had her little girl over and the little girl touched my arm wanting me to play with her. I just froze stiff. I realized I couldn't remember the last time I had been touched (except for my brother's nagging). Will someone tell me I'm not alone here? Besides my immediate family, Ash is the only other person on this planet that cares enough to ask how my day's going...how much longer Father will this have to last till I can find someone to love and that'll love me?

My Letter

2005-06-25T03:21:00.000-05:00

Mike,
Next time you think that cancelling our memberships, think again. At least have the basic decency to let us know you're going to bend us over. I stood in line for a half hour waiting on the girl to finally see that only your name was there and not to mention the Sams Club incident. If you want to lose all respect in my eyes, you're not too far off. I've been trying to forgive you ever since the divorce but amazingly you've found ways to dig up all the anger and pain by bringing up your relationship with a woman you cheated on mom with. If you had any idea the shame that brings to our whole family...you are a complete hypocrite of our faith in my eyes. Hearing you talk about morality makes me want to laugh since you lack any principle at all. If you want to try to buy my love like Clark's always have, good luck. I hope that adultery was worth losing your family. If you want to go and blame mom for turning me against you, don't give her so much credit since you did the job all by yourself. I saw you trying to hide that you were watching porn late at night and how you searched the adult Yahoo Personals when I was only a kid, but I covered your tracks for you for the sake of the family. Then when you crossed the line and took it out of the house, I felt like I had just been crucified by my "father". It took a "non-Christian" Catholic to pull me up out of my depression and see that I had a real Father, but He would never betray me. I saw Satan's grip on your life when you refused to allow mom to my birthday and seeing you give Billy's card to Jeremiah...if you would have given that to me I would have spit in your face. And don't think I don't know about mom's adultery. The reason I've forgiven her is because she tearfully told me everything and begged my forgiveness, something my former role model and spiritual model has never had the guts to do. She changed her ways, and I pray regularly that you will too. I've wanted to go in front of the church and show them the real Michael Clark, not this fake Christian you show off. If you want to be my father again, follow these steps: Tell me the whole truth, genuinely ask my forgiveness, and change. If you aren't willing to do this, I have no choice but to forgive and forget you and you will never know my wife or my children. This has been two years overdue, but I pray to God that you would be my father. May God be with you.

His child,
Joel

Evangelical my @**

2005-06-23T15:27:00.000-05:00

First, read this story, http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/06/22/airforce.religion/index.html, and tell me that's not the most biased story you've ever seen. Not only do they categorize these filth with evangelical Christians (many of which are extremely pro-Israeli) as anti-Semitists but also group that in with rape charges. Can we group evangelicals with Nazis today? Give me a break. These aren't Christians at all. They use the cross just like the KKK, and they're no more Christian. The whole article seems to be directed at a Christian's duty, which many do not practice, to evangelize the lost for Christ. I'll admit I've met many Christians that didn't have a clue how to talk to someone for their own well-being (salvation), but seem to shove it down their throats. However, just because a tactless semi-Christian offended someone doesn't mean you can strip our right of free speech and expression of our faith. If you can cuss me out I think it's not too much to ask to allow me to share the message many have died for in China, the Middle East, Africa, Cuba, Japan...all because that right doesn't exist. And next time you think about wearing your W.W.J.D. bracelet...don't...somehow I can't see Jesus having a bumpersticker of "I Save" on his donkey.

Meet the Parents: Misery

2005-06-20T18:12:00.000-05:00

It all started December 23, 2005 while I was on Christmas break at home in a peaceful Indianapolis winter. One day, I receive an instant message from a visitor to my website, a girl named Rachel from Missouri, commenting on its content, to which I ask a couple questions on her thoughts about my mainly political and theological articles. This practice is nothing out of the ordinary as I receive several such responses a year and even have met some of my closest friends through this sort of communication, and in one case I’ve almost become family with one girl in Chicago, visiting several times a year. After talking to Rachel for a couple months both online and offline, she told me that her dad wants to fly me from Indianapolis to Kansas City to see her for a weekend, and never having a bad experience with this sort of thing, I thankfully accepted. This action created an urban legend that will last for the rest of my life.

Friday afternoon at 4:45 p.m., I’m flying out and land at Midway in Chicago, taking my connecting flight to Kansas City, MO that lands around 6 p.m. As I’m getting off the plane and not noticing anyone out in the lobby, I turn to see who called my name. As I look over and see her parents, seeming clones of Michael Moore, and then herself, looking absolutely nothing like the pictures that I had seen, I want to turn around and jump back on the plane. Forcing myself to be polite and deal with it, we all pile into the car and begin the four hour drive to Springfield, Missouri, a total surprise to me since I thought I was staying at her house the whole weekend. The trip results in about 20 minutes of continuous conversation during the ride there as I ask God, “Why me?” Once arriving at the hotel, we enter the two rooms: a suite with a queen and the other with two double beds. Her dad warns me that he snores, so he offered to sleep on the couch in the extra room off of the room with the queen sized bed, but I figure if I can sleep through a jet engine on the way here, it can’t be that bad. We agree on the sleeping arrangements: I sleep in one of the doubles while he sleeps in the other and Rachel and her mom sleep in the queen next door. Before going to bed at midnight, Rachel and I watch a little TV and her dad is already asleep roaring away like a freight train. The whole night I’m trying to muffle the noise with one pillow, two pillows, then three, then finally I get my iPod so I can get thirty to forty-five minutes “sleep” as I feel like I’m sleeping next to a diesel engine. This whole process had been going on for roughly five hours before I resulted to the iPod. The first day is coming to a close and the weekend hasn’t even truly begun.

Rachel’s dad wakes up at 4:30 a.m. to get ready, which wakes me up, not being a hard thing to do. He informs me at 5:00 a.m. to wake up and get ready to leave, which at this point I’m contemplating stealing the car and driving back to the airport and catching the first flight to Chicago. After a short continental breakfast, we leave at about 6:30 to go get her brother, who's with the rest of the youth group at another hotel in town and who looks like a 45-year-old stalker. After an uncomfortable meeting with one of Rachel’s ex-boyfriends, the youth group along with Rachel and I get on the bus to leave to the college campus for the Assembly of God’s fine arts competition. Once the bus gets to Central Bible College in Springfield, we spend all day walking around campus watching all the people in her youth group perform, mostly standing, since the music hall is packed. We finally leave at 5 p.m. to make the four hour drive back with a grand fifteen minutes of conversation this time. After the trip, we go and eat with her parent's good friends and Rachel says three words the whole meal to the waitress, as she tries to explain that she can’t order for herself, so her dad orders for her. After getting back to her house, Rachel and I watch Spiderman 2 on their big screen, but then her parents come down to pull me away to work on their computer that was busted due to insane amounts of viruses on the computer. Once I finally give up on the computer at about 12:30 a.m., Rachel asks me to wait while she goes upstairs to get something for me. I look in disbelief as she returns in a few minutes with a “bracelet” that consists of two plastic bands, one purple and one black, that when she forcibly puts this bracelet on my wrist it is cutting off my circulation making my hand turn purple in a matter of seconds. After being polite in accepting this horrible gift, I lock the guest bedroom door and remove it as soon as possible. Then I go to sleep on this bed that was as hard as pavement, but I’m so tired I just died on the bed. The sheer exhaustion of the day finally ends and I find myself on the Sabbath, but there is no rest to be found.

I’m then woken up at 8 a.m. to get ready for church, so we go to Sunday school, which was decent. In church, we sing for 20 minutes and then we have to “sneak”, although there was nothing stealth about it, out the back from the fifth row of the church during the offering to catch our flight, as I’m feeling like I’m dodging the offering plate. We don’t even hear the sermon, making it totally pointless. Once arriving at the airport, we eat at a Mexican restaurant, which is probably not a good for the poor guy that had to sit next to her dad on his flight to California. We all sit in near silence in the lobby till my plane gets there. Once it arrives, Rachel gives me an awkward hug and I mutter "See ya later" and go through security while they stand behind the glass wall, waving at me every couple minutes while I'm standing in line praying to God for “liberty or death”. Even after all this, her parents have her call me while I'm standing in line as I can look over and see her behind the glass. This creates another five minutes of awkwardness as I try to get her to say something besides one word responses. Once they start boarding, I quickly end the conversation and get on the plane as quick as I can; waving one last time as I thank God I’m out of Missouri.
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Even though Mrs. Jones the Feminazi gave me a C- on this, I still think it's probably the best story I've ever heard of that actually took place. And yes...it all happened, if I'm lying I'm dying...Enjoy and put all inqueries (What the *** were you thinking!?, etc.) in the comments. And remember that your day isn't as bad as this...

What Now?

2005-06-18T15:22:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought I had all the time in the world...it flashes in front of my eyes reminding me every chance, every moment where I blew it. I swear my middle name is procrastination. I feel like God has set everything in my lap but I'm too afraid to reach out and risk the chance of getting burned. I have dreams all the time...dreams of what I want my life to be. The reality is that all my life is is a dream. I talk about my high standards on women, yet all my girlfriends are anything but. I talk about my God, yet I'm displaying anything but the Fruits of the Spirit. What's wrong with me. All I've ever prayed for was to have someone I loved. I thought I had it for awhile, I knew I had it, and now I know it's falling away but I'm too scared to catch it before it's too late...

Insurance

2005-06-16T13:17:00.000-05:00

There are very few things in my life that really get under my skin, but being insurance for a girl is up there. One of my ex's has been jerking my chain for more than a year now while she has a boyfriend. Yet she talks to me like she can't stand him and wants to be free, but for some reason she can't leave him. And ya know what? Screw her. I'm not going to play these stupid games anymore. I really thought that I loved her at one time, but now I know that could never be. I'm going to better myself spiritually and physically and find the woman God really has set out for me, not some girl wanting to use me as a self esteem booster. I have a lot of regrets about not doing anything but this one I can let go, it's just not worth the trouble. I'm half tempted to beat the living trash out of this prep and leave her with her worthless boyfriend, but instead I'm just going to cut it off for good. I'm too old for this crap...this high school drama crap should've died in high school. 2 words to Baileigh, grow up. If you want to waste your life away with white trash, go right ahead, but you'll have lost someone who genuinely cared. What happened to all the good (and mature) Christian girls? Let me know if you see one...I've yet to meet one.

My Challenge to You

2005-06-16T00:39:00.000-05:00

If we do not question our beliefs and prove every assumption then what makes us any different from robots? If you're ready to receive the evidence you've been searching for all your life to what this life is all about, look no further. Proven without a doubt, my Lord is the King of Kings and I'll give everything I have to spread the truth and freedom I have because of this Holy Gospel. Challenge Jesus. Challenge the Word. If we hold the Truth, who can break it?

Politics: The Poor

2005-06-16T00:03:00.000-05:00

After watching the first episode of "30 Days" that's hosted by the maker of the movie "Supersize Me", I have had my eyes opened in a way to the hard lives of people earning minimum wage.

Rant #1:For years I've taken the stance that most of these people are idiots and losers that dropped out of highschool and are just paying for their idiocy. But there must be at least a minority that are good, upstanding, hardworking people that just could not afford college (I barely can). I'm by no means supporting welfare which I think is a horrid breaucracy, but I would think that raising the minimum wage would aid in helping the average Joe make a better life for himself without crippling businesses. Small businesses would be hurt by the move, but they would adjust just like every other time they raised the minimum wage. Unfortunately, the worst Democrat on earth came up with this idea (Kennedy), but it goes to show that even a murdering silverspooner can have some level of common sense. Oh and Republicans...WAKE UP...morons... the Republican Party has been hijacked by big business for decades too long. Instead of relying on rich conservative businessmen to finance the campaigns, Republicans should turn to the huge amount of willing people...middle class mostly...that would finance a party that would genuinely fight for them and it would also bring many Southern Democrats and union into the party.

Rant #2: The nation is majorly middle class. Every President has been an elite member of society, with a select few being from the middle class. Why on earth don't we have a President who has been where we have been? Why can't there be a President from the lower class? No one knows how to fix our problems who hasn't been there before and I think that's the major problem with modern America since the elite politicians have no clue how to help us, but only guess. Go to the people and wholeheartedly asked them how you can fix their problems! Then do it! Not very complicated...pretty flippin' easy if I do say so myself. Vote for Jude, I'll kick everyone's a** and turn this country around with a Republican in one armlock and a Democrat in the other...Nader's my cleaning lady...

Talking to God

2005-06-12T23:12:00.000-05:00

Last night I couldn't sleep at all...and I knew why. I've been majorly slacking off in everything, but most importantly, my faith. Trusting in God is in the back of my mind anymore since "I can handle it" but when I look at what my life has become with me at the driver's seat, it's a complete mess. So last night I just asked God to tell me what to do and I'd wait till He gave me the directive. The sermon title today? "Live like You were Dying".

The sermon was amazing (go download at kingswaychurch.org) since John challenge the church to look at our mortality and how brief life really is. One of his points was to lead a "no-regret life" which is anything but what I've been living for the past 20 years. I have more regrets than memories it seems. Sitting there next to my dad in church for that sermon was tough since God just laid everything right in front of me in plain view. I couldn't run from this one. Christ spoke directly to my soul today but I failed Him before I walked out the doors by not worshiping Him as I should since for some reason I don't think it's "manly" to sing in front of my family, although I do it anywhere else. I feel like my life has been one based on disappointing God since everything He's called me to I've run from. Will I meet the same fate as Jonah and be forced into my calling? I hope so...doubt I'll be fulfilling anyone's will, much less God's, as of now. Pray for me to quit putting off what could be an amazing opportunity and change my life forever.

The Rebellious Servant,
Jude

I.O.U.

2005-06-06T01:06:00.000-05:00

Artist: Big Dismal
Album: Believe
Song: Remember (I.O.U.)

When I was a young child
You watched over me
You kept me safe inside your arms
And then you set me free
So I flew away like a bird
Not knowing which way to go
The light you give me inside
It will always glow
And I want to remember
All the times we shared
And I won’t ever forget your face
You know your hands were always there
And still you’re strong when I’m weak
It never seems to fade
I can hear your voice here with me
Whenever I’m awake
And I know you’ll be there ‘til the end
Until the end of time
Because you sacrificed it all
Just to give me life
And I want to remember
All the times we shared
And I won’t ever forget your face
You know your hands were always there
You made me the man I am
The man I am today
And for that I owe you everything
It’s been so long, I can’t go on
Without you by my side

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This song's not only amazing but it's nearly word-for-word of my life up till this point, although I have a long way to go...

Summer Bore

2005-06-01T03:31:00.000-05:00

Is there anybody that will freaking hire me!? People...I have more experience than 90% of any of these tools at Best Buy, Radioshack, Staples, etc. at anything with a circuit board, especially computers. I went to Best Buy today to check if they were hiring since a screener called me and said they would call Monday, never happened, so I went to them. I stood at the "Geek Squad" (I should be paid to just admit I belong to this prejudice ridden organization) counter for a good 30-45min to just hear that they weren't hiring seasonal people. So now what am I going to do? I'm going to undercut them, which is not hard at all with the insane prices they charge for crap. So it'll be ok for now, but I'm just bored to death. I've started jogging again to have something to do and hopefully look a little better, ha..right. I've also been working on the MoviePortal which is (for those of you that don't know) a creation of Scooter's & mine where one can search through the movies on the floor to find who has it and possibly request a movie. I've had a lot of time to think lately though since nobody around here has time to hang out anymore. I really feel empty inside and nearly completely numb. It's like I've pushed God so far away that I don't even catch the rays anymore. It's amazing how when I have absolutely nothing to do, I'll find a way not to read the Bible or do God's Will for my life. I've also been having dreams like mad about a certain person (nothing wierd) but it's just like we are married and talking about the daily things in our lives and being parents...it's...nice with a lot of strange. I just wish it would be possible but with every day that passes it seems even less probable. Why do I always want what I could never have?

Economic Theory of NeoPopulism

2005-05-28T01:30:00.000-05:00

The following is an outline of my idea of an ideal economic system, although this is incredibly simplified to be implimented on this outline (mostly me just playing Adam Smith or Karl Marx), it's a basis on which a much more knowledgable person could build on. Just a random thought that I wrote down back in the day...
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First, let me define what Populism is. Populism is a political philosophy supporting the rights and power of the people in their struggle against the privileged elite that was founded in the 1860's. Although the views of the Populist Party and the views I'm going to cover are totally different, they have the same principles, freedom and power for the ordinary man. I would define the theory of Neo-Populism as an economic and social system based on worker initiative and democratic ideals. The major points of my economic and social theory are the following:
-Worker-owned corporations (No publicly traded companies)
-Corporate profits divided equally to all employees, no matter what position.
-Government sets standards of minimum wage, worker hours, etc.
-All promotions based on colleagues approval (Consent to be governed)
-Flat tax on non-essential commodities (No income tax - No corporate profit tax)
-Workers choose representatives to decide on wages, health care, retirement, etc.
-Nearly complete private ownership
-Free healthcare and education (Voucher system)

*The outline for a NeoPopulist banking system*

The reasons behind these points are simple and common sense. Worker-owned corporations would give the individual the sense he or she is working not for "The Man", but for each other and themselves. The peer pressure of relying on each other would drive employees towards excellence, not to mention having the added incentive of reaping the rewards of corporate profit directly. Very few people see direct and immediate reward for hard work for a large corporations because the whole company would have to have the same work ethic. With many many companies seeing CEOs steal away corporate profit and bribing politicians to fatten their wallets even more, it's time workers said enough is enough.

With all promotions based on colleagues approval, the chances that a "corporate suck-up" would succeed in getting into any place of authority would be nearly impossible. This would also increase respect for people in high authority, showing much more credibility than a good tennis match with the boss. Using your own colleagues as representatives to decide on very important matters of health care, wages, and retirement would ensure that the average worker would have a voice instead of CEOs issuing massive layoffs just to boost their stock price.
Free healthcare and education is not only a necessity but a foundation of Christianity. Instead of a flawed Canadian system that leaves patients with the poorest quality for no price, health care professionals would be paid on the basis of how many people they help, period. The highest quality hospitals would receive more patients, and more funding thereby creating competition between hospitals based on quality. Price restrictions of hospital equipment is a must as companies would take advantage of the preverbal "blank check" governments encourage with their wastefulness. Education would be based on the same principles, every child would have a voucher which they could use at any school within a set boundary, be it district, township, or county. This would ensure that poor intercity children could have a part in good schools, not just the same ones that create another generation of poverty.

Private ownership of most services would ensure that the best quality and lowest price is pursued out of competition, principle to capitalism (the backbone of NeoPopulism). Governmental waste would be reduced, bringing down taxes, which would then fuel a better and stronger economy and reduce government debt. Having taxes based on a flat sales tax gives the poor much more control over their finances while at the same time not penalizing the wealthy for their success. The fact is that the rich will always spend more money than anyone else, thereby getting tax revenue, decreasing poverty levels, decreasing the power of "Old Money", and giving the needy back the money they've earned. Having tax bans on essential commodities is a necessity to make sure that the poorest of the poor can still afford food, clothing, housing, etc.
In total, the basis of NeoPopulism is freedom, freedom to have a say in your own fate, be it economic, social, or political. Giving the power of choice back to the common man is common sense.

No Job No Life

2005-05-27T02:37:00.000-05:00

Well, it's a week into the summer and I've gotten 1 call from Best Buy (that was supposed to call me back, but didn't) so I think I screwed myself over by waiting so long to get a job. Frick...so I guess I'm going to be cleaning the house, mowing a couple lawns and *hopefully* will be working on some computers around town if God is good. With absolutely nothing to do all day, my motivation is dying day by day and I've yet to call one friend to hang out. I've got something lined up with good ol' Stevo from Ben Davis, but otherwise I'm back to my highschool loser days. I'm really starting to see how bad I've ignored all my old friends to the point we can barely chat online anymore. I talk to a agnostic lesbian more than I do my best friend, how screwed up is that? I suck as a friend...I wish I could just bring all my friends to one town where I could hang out with them whenever I wanted (mostly Ash & Jenni). Jenni...boy did I mess up there. I had a pretty, Christian, loving girl waiting for me to ask her out and being the tool that I am I didn't pick up on any of the signals too afraid that I would misread a signal and trash the friendship. Am I still doing that? I tried the whole getting back with Baileigh thing but that ended before it took off and it seems like Ash is drifting away and all my junior friends are moving off the floor and Aaron & Karrie are leaving for AZ...just a total relationship deterioration...but how bout them Colts? I did feel like God was trying to talk to me again at Aaron's ordination...somehow I feel like I should have been in his shoes. Is it my dream of having people listen to me or my dreams of power and respect or is it truly God? I've felt this call to reunite the Church for awhile and I don't know if it's from Him or if it's anywhere near possible. Maybe it's just my wish for Catholics (Ash) and Protestants (me) to be unified again just as Martin Luther wanted in the first place. What does my nonexistant audience think?

Bye Bye Bhone

2005-05-16T16:37:00.000-05:00

Last night Sigma Beta(2nd Bergwall Hall) got the news that the first floor guys (Bhone) are being done away with for a year and are all moving up here since admissions screwed up and admitted way more females than males (a good thing in my book). The bad news is first floor is a bunch of antisocial nerds that do absolutely nothing and we won't have any freshmen at all. Another down side is we're going to have 4 P.A.s (or RAs) and 2 D.A.s (Discipleship assistants) which will either be nice or incredibly bad if they won't let us do anything since 3 out of the 4 are from Bhone. Good news...there will be an almost 3:1 ratio of girls to guys *applause*. Whether or not the Bhone guys are tools, we'll be the only floor in Bergwall for any of them to go. ;) Sweetness indeed. Hopefully all will work out for a great year although we still have to figure out whose traditions we're going to do. Should be interesting....

My Reply

2005-05-15T01:41:00.000-05:00

I trust you had a good time at St Elmo's. I understand that you were upset and that is OK. But, you should not have said what you did at the end. You owe me an apology. Billy and I have been going for counseling for over two years now. She and her family go to church on a regular basic. She has gone with me and Grandma and Grandpa Clark twice to Plainfield Christian. She does come up and stay when it is necessary, but we have decided to be celibate. Since, you have not meet her or know anything about her, it is not fair to make that kind of judgement. I did behaviors in the past that were bad, I own up to them and have ask for God's and your forgiveness, but I have not done any of those things for years now. I have never used that kind of language and would like for my sons to never use those words concerning any woman. [referring to my calling Billy a "slut"] Remember, that we are all sinners in the sight of God and only his grace makes us worthy. And in his eyes we are all his children until Judgement. He judges the heart, not us. Think about this and let me know. I love you and am very proud of what you are doing at Taylor. Dad
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Dad,
After thinking it over I was wrong afterall. I have owned you an apology ever since the beginning. Here it goes:
I'm sorry for...the adultery, the pain and disgrace you feel every time your mother says "You're acting like your father", all the times you've tried to forgive me but I've gone and brought my sin out again in front of you just enough to bring back that horrible day when you found out about my sin, never asking for forgiveness but always comparing myself to your mother's sin when she stood in front of me and begged for forgiveness and reconciliation, bringing pornography and alcohol into the home, never encouraging your children to worship the Lord on Sundays, blantantly disobeying the Word of God in nearly every teaching on marraige and adultery, teaching your children to conduct "shady" business practices again demonstrating a lack of Christian morality, all the tracks of pornography and sexual perversion I've left on the computer for you to find and been forced for the sake of the marraige to ignore praying for me to turn from my ways, how I continue in my sin while claiming to be under the Grace of Jesus Christ (contradictory to Hebrews 6), and finally for being disgrace on your name by "dating" a prostitute and having a second family to give you a family legacy of sin. It's just too bad it's not you saying this...

Happy B-day

2005-05-12T14:35:00.000-05:00

Well, I've turned the big 2-0 and it's turned into WWIII...tonight was supposed to be a good night out with my dad, grandparents, my brother, and I wanted my mom to come (my parents are divorced if you didn't know). For some reason my dad told my mom not to come and upon my e-mailing him telling him to let her come since it was MY birthday afterall...he goes and cancels the dinner reservations and blames my mom for turning me against him. Although, his adultery is really what makes me hate him, but that's just too straight forward for my dad to handle since he wants to live in this two-sided world where he can do whatever he wants and still have a "family" and his "Christianity". He taught me from the day I was born that all one had in life was respect, isn't it ironic that he was the one that completely lost all respect. I officially am beginning the process of letting him know what I've failed to tell him the past couple years. Pray for me in this. He holds my tuition in front of me like a carrot so I'll continue to play his game, but is it worth selling your soul for an education? We will see. God be with me.

2 Weeks till Summer

2005-05-08T23:45:00.000-05:00

The end is coming...for school at least. I'm excited, bummed, and relieved all in one. I'll miss the floor this summer without having anyone to watch movies with (although I'll have my P-town friends around). I'm excited for a new job, hopefully doing something I'll like, and the ever present bumming time and no papers! I'm relieved that there'll be no more Monday night labs or Wednesday all-nighters to finish machine problems for COS250 (btw, Dr. Geisler's the antiChrist if you didn't know). This summer will be nice not to have Nugs wake me up every morning with his regular banging of his mouse, shower door, closet, you name it. (He's also sleeping as I type, beginning at 8 till now, 9:38). Going home this weekend was nice, even with my mom's friend's todler there (Miks, pronounced Mika since he's Latvian). Some things about kids I like, such as Miks running up to me and going "Joel!" commanding me to pick him up at the restaurant we went to for Mother's Day. But when it comes to when Miks started throwing up in the middle of dinner at Olive Garden...that is the reason I'm never getting a kid...or at least being around for that mess (I had to look away or join him if ya know what I mean. He was a really quiet and content little kid for the most part. My mom kept saying he looked and acted just like me when I was that old, not too bad of a todler myself [the perfect child;)]. Well, off to program, and pray I can do very well on my finals next week and for strength to hang in there for the last stretch. God bless you all.

Doctrine: Election

2005-05-04T14:17:00.000-05:00

ELECTION by Anonymous

"God’s plan to bring salvation to His people and His world. Election encompasses the entire range of divine activity from creation-God’s decision to bring the world into being out of nothing-to the end time, the making anew of heaven and earth. The Bible uses words such as “choose,” “predestinate,” “foreordain,” “determine,” and “call” to indicate that God has entered into a special relationship with certain individuals and groups through whom He has decided to fulfill His purpose within the history of salvation.

The doctrine of election is rooted in the conviction that out of all peoples on earth God has chosen to reveal Himself in a special, unique way to Israel. Five major motifs in the OT portray God’s election of Israel:

1. Election is the result of the sovereign initiative of God.
2. Israel described their special relationship with God as covenant, not a contract between equal partners, but a bond established by God’s unmerited favor and love (Deut. 7:6-7)
3. God selected certain individuals to fulfill specific functions though in different ways and for various purposes: Abraham (Neh. 9:7), Moses (Ps. 106:23), Aaron (Num. 16:1-17:13), David (Ps. 78:70), Solomon (1 Chron. 28:10), and Zerubbabel (Hag. 2:23). Jeremiah believed God had elected him and set him apart as a prophet even before he was born (Jer. 1:4-5).
4. Israel’s election was never intended to be a pretext for pride; but rather an opportunity for service (Isa. 42:6; compare Jer. 7:1-14; Amos 3:2; Jonah).
5. Later OT writings and especially intertestamental literature tend to identify the “elect ones” with the true, faithful “remnant” among the people of God. The birth of the Messiah is seen as marking the dawn of the age of salvation for the remnant (Ezek. 34:12-13, 23-31; Mic. 5:1-2).

Early Christians saw themselves as heirs of Israel’s election (1 Pet. 2:9). Certain individuals are chosen by God: the 12 apostles (Luke 6:13), Peter (Acts 15:7), Paul (Acts 9:15), and Jesus himself (Luke 9:35; 23:35). The Synoptic Gospels always set the term “elect ones” in an eschatological context (Mark 13:20). Many of the parables of Jesus (Matt. 20:1-16; 22:1-14) illustrate the sovereignty of God in salvation. Jesus is the unmistakable Mediator of the election (John 15:16; compare 17:5,12). Through Judas’ status as one of the elect is called into question by his betrayal of Christ, not even this act was able to thwart the fulfillment of God’s plan of salvation.

Romans 8:28-39 presents divine election as the ground and assurance of the Christian’s hope. Romans 9-11 is preoccupied with Israel’s rejection of Christ that, in the purpose of God has become the occasion for the entrance of Gentile believers into the covenant. Ephesians 1:1-12 points to the Christ as the center of election: God has chosen us in Christ before the foundation of the world. Our election is strictly and solely in Christ. As the eternal Son, He is along with the Father and the Holy Spirit, the electing God; as the incarnate Mediator between God and humankind, He is the elected One. We should never speak of predestination apart from this central truth.

Paul admonished the Thessalonians to give thanks because of their election (2 Thess. 2:13), while Peter said that we should make our “calling and election sure” (2 Pet. 1:10)

Predestination does not negate the necessity for human repentance and faith; rather, it establishes the possibility of both. God has chosen the preaching as the means to awaken faith in the elect (1 Cor. 1:21). We should proclaim the gospel to everyone without exception, knowing that it is only the Holy Spirit who can convict, regenerate, and justify).

Some passages (Rom. 9:11-22, 2 Cor. 2:15-16) portray God as a potter who has molded both vessels of mercy and vessels of destruction. God chose us “to salvation through sanctification of the Spirit” (2 Thess. 2-13). We are to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, even though to be sure, it is God who is at work within us both to will and do His good pleasure (Phil. 2:12-13). The proper response to election is not pride but gratitude for God’s amazing grace that saves eternally.

Nothing can separate us from God’s love in Christ (Rom. 8:35-39)"
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I was given this article by a good friend of mine and thought it might serve useful in enlightening (or challenging) some of us in our thoughts on being apart of God's election. For all you Arminians out there, forgive me, but I left your camp after I read this. Free will has been given to us, but our free will will always lead to our fate whether into the arms of our Lord or to the "lord of the air".

2005-05-01T02:21:00.000-05:00

2nd Bergwall, gotta love it.

Doctrine: Homosexuality

2005-05-01T00:26:00.000-05:00

What does the Word say?

Old Testament:
-'Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom-both young and old-surrounded the house. They called to Lot,"Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them." (Genesis 19:4-5) [read in context]
-'Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable.'(Leviticus 18:22)
-'If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them havedone what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.' (Leviticus 20:13)

New Testament:
-'Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even theirwomen exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same waythe men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamedwith lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men,and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion. (Romans 1:26-27)
-'Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters noradulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thievesnor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inheritthe kingdom of God. (1 Corinthians 6:9-10)
-'...knowing this: that the law is not made for a righteous person, but forthe lawless and insubordinate, for the ungodly and for sinners, forthe unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, for fornicators, for sodomites [homosexuals], forkidnappers, for liars, for perjurers, and if there is any other thingthat is contrary to sound doctrine,... '(1 Timothy 1:9-10)

As you can see, homosexuality, just as much a sin as anything else, is spelled out in the OT & NT...then why is there even need for discussion? The answer is in the amount of times you've probably picked up your dusty Bible on the bookshelf.

First, there must be a understanding of Christian holiness in terms of how God views our sin. "For the wages of sin is death" as we all know, but aren't there categories of sins just like in nation's laws? Unfortunately, no. Lying to your boss about the time you spent at lunch is equal in the eyes of God if you had just murdered that same boss. Holy is Holy, there is no substitute or gray area. It's either evil or good. Homosexuality, a sin by definition of both Moses's Torah and Paul's letters, is just a great a sin as any and needs to be transformed by the Holy Spirit through the atoning blood of Jesus Christ.

Second, sin is our own choice. Although we have no control over the temptations we are given on a daily basis, how we deal with that tempation is how we are judged. Without Christ, we have no hope since "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God". So the very term "sexual preference" is invalid as we are not permitted to make that choice in the first place. It is but a sin in need of a Savior just as much as an addiction to porn (lifestyle choice) needs to be repented, forgiven, and transformed. Some argue that it is like a disease, and who could condemn anyone with a terminal illness? There is no empirical evidence by an unbiased source that has ever labeled homosexuality as a gene or much less an illness (which it was actually viewed as several decades ago). If I'm wrong, prove me wrong. I'd love to know as I haven't been anywhere near convinced by others. Homosexuality can and has been 'cured' in the sense that it is the 'terminal disease' of sexual perversion (both homosexual and heterosexual) that plagues many in our society, but some have escaped the death of sin and sought life in the Lord.

Now should they be allowed to raise children? As a Christian, I sin almost daily, so what sets me apart from them? I know it's wrong. Just as children who are raised around alcohol and drugs have the proven tendency to carry on that sinful legacy, a gay couple would obviously not teach their children that what they practice daily is sinful for they don't think it is. No matter how one might have been raised (alcholic father, prostitute mother, etc), having gay parents would be just as bad for the spiritual life of a developing child, even if they are much more emotionally stable. A 'gay lifestyle' is a life of sin going unchecked since instead of having moments where one might give in to tempation temporarilly but come to and acknowledge their sin, they live and bask (gay pride) in their sinfulness as something to be proud of when in fact it's as foolish as a 'cancer pride day'.

Now should this 'disease' be killed off or hated? ABSOLUTELY NOT. The killing of a sinner is even worse than that of a Christian since they've just been sent to Hell without the knowledge of their falleness. Cursed be the person that hates their fallen brother. We were all at one time just as lost, just as sinful. Just as we needed an intercessor for our horrific sins (at least in God's eye), should we say they are undeserving of the unconditional Grace of Jesus Christ? Do we not belive in this 'Amazing Grace'? The greater the forgiveness of sin, the greater glory of our Father in my opinion, but there still always needs to be a lifestyle change being 'dead to sin' and 'raised to a new life in Jesus Christ'.

One might say, "It's a harsh 'god' who would create people simply for the enjoyment of dooming them to a live of segrgation at the hands of 'his children'". This misconception is just as widespread is it's absolutely wrong. The Triune God created us to give glory and joy to Him, the Holy One that loves us beyond any description I could pen. But one might ask me, "have you ever had someone try to 'love you back to christ'?" And I must say "yes", but I am keenly aware of the attempts of some misguided Christians to display a love, however fake and self enforced, to people that have fallen which just makes the situation worse as it tends to not only to demean and insult the person, but also drives them away from Christ. Although, having someone who would die for you criticize a part of your life that you've fallen in, knowing they only want the best for you, makes a HUGE difference and I'm a totally different person for that genuine, Christian love.

Fine, but isn't the OT over and done with now that the Gospel of Grace is in effect? All those sins as defined by the OT (mainly Leviticus) are still evil, but are approached differently, just as Christ said "I'm not here to abolish the Law, but to fulfill it". We still have morals (dictated by the OT), but we're to live them out with love, the Greatest Commandment. The Jews missed the point of the Law, and many Christians have too. Without Christ, fulfilling the OT law was impossible, but now we are able to accomplish it and be holy, living sacrifices to our Lord. Neither are we slave to the Law (or Torah), but we are given a New Covenant through the blood of Jesus (read more on this in Romans and 1st & 2nd Corinthians).

I hope I've been able to provide the foundation for you to go and see for yourselves. Search the Word, pray to God, and search for the answer to your questions. I'm wholly open to any discussion, for I'm still learning the ins and outs of Christian doctrine myself and I'd appreciate being set straight if there is but one err in my argument. I guarantee your questions (and mine) will be answered, if not here on earth then in Heaven. Make sure you're all in attendance, comprehende? God bless.

Life Of Bissell (aka Jude)

2005-04-30T00:51:00.000-05:00

Yes, it is true. Bissell/Jude now has a life, well, maybe. I've been stuck in this horrible routine of homework that has come to rule my life for the past semester. Some things are beginning to slow down a bit, giving me those precious hours of my life back to be given to the oh-so-good hobby of bumming and hangin out with the boys. Today was Grandparent's Day at Taylor (horrible timing since I had a paper due which had not been completed) and so I had my usual nap after my 8 o'clock till lunch at 11. Although, my grandparents were already here and I had no way to call them, so they eventually called the dorm and I met them in the Dinning Commons (DC). Had a lil chat then sat with them since I had already eaten earlier and eventually made it to my room to show them Bissell's Love Shack as it's affectionately known. Then we parted ways so I could finish my paper (and another paper due I had forgotten about) and they toured the campus. After class, I headed on over to Rediger for the concert w/ them which was ok, but they didn't really care for it. Afterwards we headed to Cracker Barrel where Jess (a girl on the 4th floor of my dorm) saved my hide by creating conversation with them since I have absolutely nothing to talk to them about beside the happens of Plainfield, IN (nothing). Gotta love Jess...and then I came back to hang out with Clog, Bobby, Blake, Carty and Diesel over at Jere/Clog's house watching the Pistons/76ers game (76ers won) which was a great relaxation from my usual lack of fun on Friday nights as I'm probably coding or writing a paper.

On other parts of my life...a girl named Jen (no physical attraction here) but she's great fun to debate with. Unfortunately, she's a lesbian, so needless to say that issue is hotly debated, but somehow she's open to my opinion as I am to hers. Who'da thunk it? I like liberals though, they always have a passion for what the believe, however wrong and misguided it may be;). The main problem with me is her self proclaimed Christianity (however ambiguous it is). This subject will have to be covered in here sometime...but not right now. Ash...you and me homes...one day I will get you to go toe to toe with your Repub. friend haha. To be honest, I feel a bit disenfranchised by the Republicans for their 'being whipped' by big business, however, I'd rather be caught dead than vote for a Democrat, no offense. This nation needs a new party, a conservative Christian party dedicated to the common man (at least middle class) and rely on the masses to push them into power instead of corporate funding because where in the Constitution did it say that "We the Corporations of the United States,..."? The only reason downloading music is illegal is because the Republicans AND Democrats have been bought by the record execs...can I get an amen? Enough with that rambling...but I feel as though the Democrats are hypocrites for arguing for abortion while at the same time they argue for the abolishment of the death penalty, murder babies and let murders go? No...at least the Republicans make SOME sense, but still hypocritical by supporting the "right to life" while we strip that right from our fallen brothers (sinners). Both should end, although, I believe the death penalty should be enforced until a suitable hard labor alternative arises for death row inmates to make their lives as hard as possibly w/o killing them, but leaving the door open for correcting mistakes made by the courts. Anybody with me?

That's it for tonight, but I'll be back with enough theology for you later. God bless.

Bon Voyage

2005-04-29T00:05:00.000-05:00

My first official blog is April 29th at 12:05am Indiana Time (hopefully DST in a few months once our State Legislature gets it's act together), but there will be many more hopefully in the months (maybe years) to come. God bless America and the Starbucks Frappaccino. ;)